I rode a Percheron!

The other day, after I finished riding Marve, the barn manager asked if I wanted to stay and exercise a schoolie who didn't have a rider for that day. Sure. It ended up being the Percheron gelding -- whoo hoo! I have never ridden him, since he's typically used for beginner lessons. But I always wanted to, because I love drafties and this Percheron in particular is adorable. Humongous, and adorable.

The ride was fun, but not easy. I now see why he's usually used in beginner lessons -- the boy is like a rock. A huge, massive, foot-as-big-as-dinner-platter rock. He was very steady and calm -- no Marve-like freakouts here! -- but also really hard to get moving. He gave me quite a battle to get in (and stay in) a trot, and even when I accomplished that, getting him into a working trot was a challenge. At first I didn't think I'd get him to canter at all, but the longer I rode him, the more he loosened up and felt willing to move.

So besides that issue, and the fact that he was super heavy on the forehand, I had a blast! I love, love, love his gaits. Smooth awesome trot I could sit to all day, huge rolling canter. So much fun. If he just moved a bit more and wasn't so lazy, I'd be swooning. And I loved the big, broad feel to him -- a nice change from tall skinny TB. I wish I could have ridden him bareback (my true passion from my teen years) because I bet he would have been super comfortable.

Anyway, it was fun, and brought to the surface again my love of draft horses and how one day I want to own a big broad feller of my own. Daun, you are lucky!!

Happy holidays, everyone. Give your horse an extra peppermint from me.

The Thrill of Learning

A middle-aged woman was taking a private lesson last night while I rode. She is a beginner who probably started taking lessons a few months ago. And last night, she cantered for the first time.

First, she talked to the instructor about how she'd been thinking about cantering a lot, and that she finally thought she was ready to try it. She was nervous, but willing.

The instructor put her on the longe line, and they trotted around for a bit. The instructor kept trying to prep the woman for what to do, what to expect, etc. I could tell the woman was nervous, but she was also ready to go. So after giving some warning, the instructor asked the horse to canter.

The schoolie, a polite little mare, obligingly broke into a canter. I have ridden this schoolie before, and I know her canter is slow and comfortable. The woman seemed to tense her body when the new motion started, and then she started laughing. A nervous, half-scared, "I can't believe I'm doing this" laugh that came out in beat to the mare's canter.

After a few times around, they went back to a trot and then a walk. The woman looked exhilarated and out of breath and triumphant. "I did it!" she said, and patted the mare's neck.

She and the instructor chatted about position for a bit, and then they cantered again. Then they changed directions and tried it that way.

I don't know why this struck me so much. Maybe it brought back memories of when I first learned to canter. It is such a different gait from the trot, and can be quite intimidating, I think. Or maybe I appreciated that this was a fully grown woman not afraid to brave a stable full of advanced, sometimes snooty teenage riders so she could learn for herself. Or maybe it just exemplifies the nervousness we all feel when trying something new, and how we eventually just have to go for it and see what happens.

Anyway, I'm happy she cantered for the first time. And I'm also happy that Marve was very well behaved for my ride. :)

The Good Spook

So last week, when I wrote that Marve hasn't bolted or freaked out lately, I spoke too soon.

He bolted again while I was riding him just a few days after making that post. But you know what? It wasn't bad. And I think it actually helped things.

Another horse in the arena spooked, and Marve responded by leaping into the air and then taking off into a bolt. But this time, even more so than in the past, I was super conscious of sitting far back and deep in the saddle. Even though I felt out of control and like I was a goner, I kept thinking sit back back back back. And before I knew it, I had him under control -- before he even made it to the other side of the arena.

As soon as I had a grip on things again, I immediately urged him back into a working trot and then up to canter. This is in contrast to some of his other freak outs, where it was more severe/scary and I ended up shaking after it was over and wanting to cry. This time, it was just business as usual.

The whole thing raised my confidence and made me feel like I can handle him and that I don't need to be terrified. If that was the worst of what I can expect in the future, I have to say it wasn't that bad. I can handle that.

Of course, I'm aware that this particular spook might just have been tamer than others. But the fact that I handled it means for now, I'm not scared like I used to be.

Our rides since then still have been challenging in other ways -- I'm having fun again, which is awesome, but sometimes I still feel like we are moving backwards instead of forwards. But I've been working on my jump position, which is getting stronger, and I've also been getting him rounder in the canter. That's a big accomplishment, because to be honest, at the height of my Marve fear, I kind of dreaded cantering him at all because it made me worry he'd take off. But now I'll canter around and around and around without even giving it a second thought.

As of right now, today, I feel good enough about the lease to continue it indefinitely. We'll see if that feeling remains, but still...it's nice not to be scared. :)

I am such a weenie.

I finally broached the subject of ending the lease on Marve, with not-so-good results. The barn manager told me that there aren't enough advanced lesson riders to ride him throughout the week, so they might not be able to keep him when I stop the lease.

I asked what would happen to him, and they said they'd try to work something out with his previous owner or see if they could sell him. I asked point blank if he'd go to auction (really, he is too usable of a horse for it to come to that, I hope) and I was told of course not.

There is a girl at the stable who keeps asking about my lease with him, so I checked to see if she'd want to lease him, but she doesn't think she could afford it.

I can obviously do what I want. I'm not obligated to lease him. But I feel a little worried about abandoning him. Plus, he has not bolted or spooked since that last awful time I fell, which was like 5-6 weeks ago. Knock on wood. And as much as I'd love my own horse, I still don't quite feel ready to buy one at this time.

Add all that to the fact that something is holding me back from ending the lease. Our last few rides went better. I still feel like I'm learning with him. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to only riding once a week, and there are no other horses for me to lease. And yep, I've looked around -- there are a couple of horses I could lease but they are at least a 40-minute drive each way, and I don't want to do that.

I know some of you are probably kicking me for not just ending the lease. But we'll see. This doesn't mean I am extending it indefinitely, just a little longer.

For all of you who are blessed with the ability to easily and quickly make a decision, please take a moment to appreciate and recognize this important skill that some of us are so sorely lacking.

Oh, also....

Thought you could use a break from my horse-related whining and let you know that my SO and I have decided to get married. We have been together for ages and live together, so for most people this seems like the typical step. But since we are non-traditional hippies who don't really like the institution of marriage and all that it represents (or that not everyone in this country even has the right to get married) we never thought we'd get officially hitched.

But then you get old and your perspective changes and we figure we love each other so much and we're in it for the duration, so why not throw a party? A small, casual party that will NOT involve a pouffy white dress, tuxedo-wearing butlers or little boxes of Jordan almonds that crack your teeth....but a party nonetheless! Also, this way when/if one of our jobs tanks because of the fabulous economy, the health insurance will be more of a sure thing. (SO briefly had to get on my insurance before he started a new job, and while we're lucky my job even allows domestic partner coverage, it costs nearly 3 times as much, blech.)

So anyway, it will probably be next year sometime. Someone has already suggested that I "ride into the ceremony on a horse." To this I just smiled blankly. Suuuure. Hey, here's an idea. Why don't I ride Marve in and let him bolt and knock everyone down? It's sure to keep the guest list down, at least.

Okay. Seriously. I have a sink full of dishes that I have been putting off all night long. Such is the life of marital bliss...

Isn't this supposed to be fun?

I know I kind of abandoned this blog for a while, and I'm sorry about that. I think a big part of why I wasn't writing is that I just haven't been having much fun riding lately.

I'm no longer terrified like I was during that last ride I wrote about. And Marve hasn't freaked out at all, which is good. I still feel a little uneasy before I ride, like I know it's going to happen again eventually, but for the most part I've been okay.

After yet another so-so ride today, I think there are two problems here (not including the fear issue).

First, it's the matter of time and time management. When I leased Mae, it was very free and I could just go to the stable whenever I wanted. With this lease, I have to be there on certain days of the week. If I miss a day, I can't really make it up and it's inconvenient for the stable to make sure Marve gets exercised. It's only three days a week, but I also get caught up doing things like mucking out his stall or cleaning tack and so on, and lately I've been feeling almost resentful of the time it takes out of my life. Riding definitely takes time away from my writing and other things that are important to me.

And part of the reason I might be having problems with the time issue is that riding hasn't been as fun lately. Recently, our rides have sucked. Meaning that I have sucked. I feel like I'm going backwards and getting worse instead of improving with Marve. The last few times I rode him, for example, he was trotting around with his head in the air and his ears pinned back. WTF? It didn't seem like anything was hurting him, and I tried everything I have been learning to get him on the aids, etc. But it was just bad. Today I got so frustrated I just looked down at my hands and thought, "I don't know what to do!" Like I've tried every combination of inside/outside rein pressure and leg aids and so on and am not getting results. It's frustrating. And it makes me feel like I'm not a good enough rider for him.

I am considering ending the lease in mid-December since hey, this is supposed to be fun, right? But then today I spoke to a boarder who pointed out it often takes months -- longer than I have been riding Marve -- to "figure out" a horse and really make it as a horse-rider pair.

Okay. Except I was doing so much better with him two months ago, and now we are crap. I don't think it's all because of my fear issue, because lately I've felt pretty comfortable while riding him. I don't know if it's all me or partially him, or just how we're working together, but something is not right.

I will go over my concerns with my instructor this week and see what she says. To be honest, I think the lease is going to end pretty soon. It's just a matter of deciding exactly when to end it, since I think the stable was expecting me to lease him for a while longer. But I'll make the decision that is best for me.

And I also promise to try to do better with this blog and keep you all updated!

Frozen in Fail

I had such a bad ride this week. Really, it was horrendous. The worst I've ridden Marve ever.

And it was all because I was afraid. For almost no reason.

Prior to this ride, I mistakenly thought I had a handle on my fear of him bolting with me. I had the mindset that there was no point in being nervous and afraid; if I was going to ride him, I might as well feel confident, because there was nothing I could do about him bolting until the actual moment it happened, and who knew if it would?

Then, a few days ago, I went to ride and it was freezing outside. Major temperature drop. Not only that, but it was super windy and there were all sorts of creaking noises making their way through the arena. It was also pretty crowded in there, with at least 6 other riders.

It got off to a bad start right away. Almost immediately after I was mounted, another horse spooked a little bit. Marve tensed up and it felt like he was going to try to take off, but then he didn't and nothing happened. Repeat: nothing happened. But I might as well have gotten off then, because my fear from the way he tensed wrecked our entire ride.

I don't know how to explain it. I felt I was gambling my healthy body and fully intact bones by riding him. Instead of feeling like a safe haven, the indoor arena felt like a little wooden box trapping me inside...the walls were there not to shield us from the weather, but to be obstacles I could fly into when Marve threw me. I felt insecure, scared, unwilling. But still, we rode.

Not that it was any fun. I kept looking at the clock, just trying to calculate how long I had to ride him to make sure he got enough exercise. I dreaded cantering him because I was afraid he'd run off. I was afraid to be near the other horses in the ring, for fear they'd spook or set him off, and I was also afraid to avoid them too much, which could make him nervous or eager to chase after them.

The result was some poor riding and a nervous horse. He didn't bolt or have any major spooks, but he was jumpy. Then he started giving these little bucks when I asked him to canter, something he never does. It was just a mess. I didn't have him on the aids at all, and even though my brain was telling me what to do to get things under control, my body was completely unwilling to do it. And, embarrassingly, the barn manager happened to drop by and watched us for a while. I was so ashamed she witnessed that.

So anyway. The ride finally ended, and I was relived to get off. But I'm not going to let this happen again. I need to psych myself up for my next ride and be determined not to let my stupid fear take over again.

I haven't forgotten that this is supposed to be fun. If I keep feeling like this regularly, I will stop the lease. But I'm hoping this was a one-time thing.

My SO is quite aware that I'm still nervous about Marve. (Hmm...I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that every time I leave for the stable, I say in a singsong voice, "Keep your fingers crossed that Marve doesn't kill me today!") So after I returned from this bad ride, he encouraged me to stop the lease. He said, "Whatever you felt you needed to prove to yourself after you fell off him and got scared, you did. You didn't quit right away. But if you're still scared now, maybe you should just stop."

But somehow, I don't feel the time is right to stop yet. Maybe in another month, maybe in three. Who knows. But despite the occasional fear and bolt and bad ride, I seem reluctant to cut off the lease. So I'm in it. Let's just hope my confidence comes back.

Following Through

Thanks to everyone who left a comment on yesterday's post. I am happy to report that I was true to my word and finally submitted! I actually submitted two different stories to five journals. (Only one story went to each journal...I chose different ones based on each journal's style and word count restrictions.)

Five might not sound like a lot, but it is when you consider that I had to re-read stories in each of those journals to get a refresher on what types of fiction they publish, plus double check their guidelines online, deal with all the envelopes and SASEs, etc. This may also be part of why I haven't been submitting lately -- it's a lot of work. But I am so pleased that those stories are on their way into the world right now. It's about time. And while five is just a teensy little start (who knows how many dozens of times I'll have to submit each story before I maybe get a bite) it is, at least, a start.

Thanks also for the interest in reading my stories. I appreciate that but feel really shy about it. I'm weird that way. I have absolutely no problem sending my stories out to editors, publications, writing groups, writing conferences, writing buddies, etc. But I almost never let other people in my life read my stuff -- that includes my SO, my family, my best friends. I might sometime waver on that soon, but in general I'd rather non-writing people don't read my stuff until it's published. I guess because I know those in the writing world understand how hard it is and what the revision process is like, and I worry my friends and family might read a draft and secretly think it's bad. Writers are an insecure bunch, and I have no doubts I'll be like that for the rest of my life, no matter what success I might have.

I am even embarrassed by stories of mine published years ago. I grow and change so much as a writer, which is also why I haven't submitted in so long. It became a pattern: I wrote a story, revised it, sat on it, revised it several more times, waited a bit and then sent it to like two dozen magazines. Then, three months later, I looked at the story again and saw all sorts of problems and things I wanted to change. Then the rejections started rolling in. So I figured I better wait longer and be really, really sure before submitting again.

For one of the stories I just mailed out, I wrote the first draft in like March of 2007. And who knows if that will be long enough, but if it has stood the test of time in my mind for this long, here's hoping...

Anyway, a brief update on riding and Marve. Things have been going okay, with no major freak outs on his side. On two separate occasions, a horse in the arena noticeably spooked right in front of us, and Marve didn't lose his shit. I am trying to remain calm and confident, and I'm happy to report I didn't even really tense up when those spooks happened. I still feel it will probably happen again, but I am more relaxed about it now, and am not convinced he's going to do it every time or anything.

We've been working on jumping in lessons. Previously, I really looked forward to the opportunity to jump because hey, it's just fun. But now this has gotten me a little afraid at times, too. My position, while improving, is not the most secure, and Marve needs to know his rider is secure and confident coming up to a jump, or he gets nervous. We're just jumping little things, like two feet, but there have been a few times when my lack of experience has caused him to sort of crash into the jump or have a bad take off. There have been no disasters or major problems, fortunately, but a few of those bad jumps made me realize how dangerous jumping could be and shook both my confidence and Marve's. But we always manage to finish the lesson on a good note, which is important, and I can feel my position improving, so I'm optimistic.

As of right now I intend to keep the lease for the time being. I had thought about cutting back or even ending it, what with my fear and time issues, but I'll keep going for now. I am glad I didn't give up after I was so freaked out from that fall, even though part of me never wanted to get on him again. And I've been having fun riding, and can't help looking ahead to the dressage schooling shows that I think will be held in the spring/summer. I don't know yet if my schedule will let me keep the lease up till then, but it is an option.

And now I'm going to force myself to work for several more hours before I leave for the blessed, blessed weekend. Cheers!

Balance

Balance: It's not just for those uncertain re-riders trying to stay on excitable TBs anymore.

As I have briefly mentioned on this blog, in addition to riding and working full time and exercising to avoid gaining 20 pounds in cookie weight (mmmm cookies) I also write fiction. This was always a huge part of my life and I enjoyed some small successes in the past, but for the last few years I haven't done much. Well, I've been writing -- and my short stories are getting better and better -- but I haven't submitted to any journals for a few years now. And I keep planning to begin work on a new novel, but have had several false starts. I'm intimidated, which is a foreign feeling for me -- in the past, I'd whip out a novel in a 3-4 months even though I knew it likely would never be good enough to get published. I wrote for the sake of practice and learning about the craft and prepping myself for the time when it's for real. Maybe I feel I have enough practice and it is for real now, so I freeze up. Who knows.

Anyway, I just got word that one of my fellow writers from college sold her first novel. And I'm jealous. I admit it.

This woman is an amazing writer and even though I haven't read this manuscript (or even know its title yet), I know without a doubt that she totally, totally deserves it. No question. But even so, I can't help being jealous, which I know is a perfectly normal human reaction. She and I were often neck and neck in college, winning similar writing contests, sending our stories out to the same magazines, and so on. I honestly never doubted that she would one day succeed. Of course, I hoped that I would, too.

After college, we completely lost touch and our lives took very different turns. She took on the life of an academic, getting her PhD and then teaching lit classes. I went into the terrifying "real world" right away and started working. At first I toyed with the idea of getting an MA or PhD in literature and then teaching at the college level, but thankfully I realized that wouldn't be right for me.

Even though I don't think the academic path was necessarily for me, I'm jealous for this other writer's choices because she has more time. She doesn't even know what a 9-5 office job is, or the pressures and crap that come along with the corporate work experience. She has had every summer off. She has had more time to write, and even when she's not writing fiction she's been absorbed in the academic world, which is a completely different place and much more conducive to writing. Sometimes I feel I let myself forget that I'm a writer in part because I'm constantly surrounded by people in the "real world" who don't understand what that means. Sometimes even I don't understand it.

So anyway, she has a book deal, and now I'm questioning how I spend my time. I work all week, of course. My job isn't really that horrendous when it come to time -- I can come in the office late if I want, or take a long lunch, or sometimes work from home, and if I really need to leave at 2:30pm on a Tuesday, I can make it happen. Of course, sometimes I find myself working at 2:30pm on a Sunday because I have a huge project I need to finish. And my position is sometimes stressful and high-pressure, so I find myself thinking about it outside of the office. And that is just not healthy, in my opinion.

Then there's riding, which has been taking up more and more of my time. Just looking back at some of my entries on here that detail my braiding practice and worrying over the show makes me exhausted. Is it possible to work full time, lease or own a horse, AND try to make a writing career for myself? Is there only room for one major activity outside of work? (And let's not even think about the people who work full time and have kids and manage to hold down a writing career or take care of their horses...that is beyond even my level of comprehension, which is why no kids are on the life menu at this time.)

And my writing has definitely dropped off within the last year -- I'm writing less and less, with some productive spurts mixed in. Thankfully, I have a writer friend who lives just down the street from me, and lately we've been getting together twice a week just to sit across each other in a place with no Internet access and write. Without those writing dates, I probably wouldn't be writing much at all. That's sad. I don't expect to ever be a best-selling novelist or a phenom or anything like that, but I do believe, based on my past experiences and work, that I could be publishing. Short stories, at a minimum, and a novel, if I really get my act together and give it the time it deserves.

What it comes down to is this other writer, the one with the book deal, didn't sell her book because she got her PhD and she has summers off or perhaps more time to write. She succeeded because she made it happen. She sat down at that desk for who knows how many hours and pounded out a book, and then revised it and made it shine. That is what I need to do. I feel like I know what it takes. So why aren't I doing it? And is riding what is interfering with this goal, or is it me...not managing my time correctly, being a little lazy, or just not being disciplined enough?

All I know is that right after posting this, I am going to print out one of my finished stories and submit it. It's been a long time since I submitted anything, and I'm realistic to know the first few (or first dozen, realistically) times out it will probably get rejected...but I need to get back in the game. So here I go. Wish me luck.

Important: Pumpkin Beer Update

I keep forgetting to give an update on my pumpkin beer experiences! Failure all around, with a shot of spicy, pumpkiny goodness.

Okay, I feel that I failed because I never got around to buying Saranac pumpkin ale, which was in my local beer shop, and now it's sold out. I think they had another kind, too, but it's also gone and I can't even remember the name! Not to mention that a local microbrewery apparently has an amazing pumpkin beer, and I still haven't stopped by to check it out. They better have it through Thanksgiving!

Anyway, so far, these are my favorites:

Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale -- not quite pumpkiny enough for my taste (but then, what is?) but my favorite overall.

Ichabod Ale Yegads! I meant Shipyard here. What is wrong with me? Too much pumpkin beer, clearly! -- Pretty pumpkiny!

Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale

Buffalo Bill's Pumpkin Ale -- I'm not a huge fan of this one, but it's better than not drinking at all, right?

Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale -- I had this in a bottle at a party and it was crappy and did not taste like pumpkin at ALL. But I also had a pint of it in a bar when I was already sort of liquored up and seemed to like it more then. Hmmm. Also, I'll go out on a limb here and say this is probably the Miller High Life of pumpkin ales. And you should know that I have NOT had a High Life since my SO's friend decided to be hilarious and bring us a case.

And apparently there are soooo many more pumpkin beers I need to try. I think I'll make a few stops after work and see what I can find. They better not all be gone...November is still pumpkin season, people!

Hope

So the first time I went back to the stable to ride Marve after his freak out, I was pretty nervous. I had spent the previous 24 hours alternating between the attitudes of, "It will be fine! That was just a freak occurrence. I can handle this!" and "OMG I'm going to die!!"

I started grooming Marve and was fairly optimistic...until I learned from the stable girls that he did his crazy bolting thing every other day the previous week with other riders. Another girl had fallen off; the others managed to stay on but apparently were freaked enough to say they didn't want to ride him again.

At that point, I stepped back and looked at Marve and thought it was a foregone conclusion that he would freak out again, as in that very day when I rode him. And I was scared. Super scared. Meanwhile, one of the teenage girls was going on abut how I'd have to get used to it because he was a TB, after all, and that was just what they did. I should suck it up and learn how to ride out a crazy freak-bolt and stop complaining and acting scared.

Wtf? Is being a TB an excuse to be a dangerous, bolting, bucking freak-out monster? Seriously. He was fine for months and now he's freaking out. Couldn't that indicate something was going on? Should I really just "suck it up"? I know TBs have a reputation for being hot, but come on. For him to freak out EVERY time he was ridden last week just didn't seem normal.

At this point, I had finished grooming him and was nearly in tears. Just then the barn manager walked by and asked me how I was. I may or may not have exclaimed something like, "No, I am NOT fine because I'm afraid he's going to dump me again."

Long story short, I ended up in the barn manager's office for nearly a half hour, talking about my fears and what could be going on with Marve. I kind of felt like a kid in an afterschool special, getting advice from the stern schoolmaster. But she was really nice and said I certainly did not have to "get used to it" because clearly something was going on with Marve. Likely, he needed more exercise and less time being cooped up in his stall. I feel a little indignant about this, because DUH. I don't know...I don't feel horses should be stalled all the time, but sometimes that concept seems like a novelty at this barn.

The story ends with me feeling the confident that the BM was looking out for my best interests. I did end up riding him that day. I was nervous and jumpy -- literally, every time I heard a noise a stiffened in the saddle because I was afraid he'd take off. But he was okay. I've ridden him several times since then and he has not freaked out, not even once. I'm having fun riding him again, and for the first time in a week I'm not dreading returning to the stable.

I'm still not fully recovered, though. Frankly, I think he will freak out again while I'm riding him. Whether he gets nervous or spooked or just has too much energy that day, it's probably going to happen. Hopefully, I will be able to use some of the tips people have been giving me and not get hurt or fall off.

But as long as I can get to a point where I'm not constantly afraid it's going to happen, I might be okay. And I might still have fun in the process.

On Fear and Quitting

I fell off Marve this week. He freaked out and bolted several times during our ride, and on the last one I fell.

I'm fine, not hurt at all. And I got back on and rode him around for a little while before calling it a day. But to say I'm shaken up is an understatement. I don't even feel like recounting the whole thing because I don't want to relive it.

I'm scared. I admit it. I mentioned before that he has bolted a few other times this fall. Every time, though, was outside, and this time it happened in the indoor. I thought I was safe in there.

The people who were there when it happened said it was the cooler weather, the fact that he's a TB, that another horse in the ring was nervous and slightly acting up, etc. All true, but I can't help but wonder if part of it is me. He doesn't seem to do this with other riders. Can he tell that I'm a little insecure, that I'm afraid of him bolting, that I am not experienced or brave or good enough to bring him under control immediately? Does he know that if he keeps doing this, I'll give up riding him for good? Because I might.

The bottom line is, I don't think this was a once-and-done deal. I think he'll do this again. Who knows when...it could be the next time I ride him, or in a few weeks, or in a few months. But it will probably happen again.

A girl at the barn told me that it shouldn't prevent me from riding him. That the TB she rides does this from time to time and if anything, it has taught her how to "ride out" a bolt and bring him under control. She gave me some pointers that I will try out the next time it happens, but ugh! The next time?

I know horses are unpredictable, that they can be dangerous, that any horse can spook and freak out or bolt. But it's a little different when that behavior is expected, the norm, instead of a freak occurrence.

Part of me is dreading the next time I have to ride him. But, being the way I am, I can't just quit the lease right now. I am not a quitter, and I want to see if I can handle this. On the other hand, I don't want to die.

My SO thinks I should just stop leasing him now and save myself the grief. I can still take weekly lessons, of course. But I don't feel right quitting just because Marve scared me. He was freaking out when another horse was spooking a bit; so there was a reason. But does that mean he will act like this any time another horse in the ring gets slightly upset? God, I don't know how we both survived in the show a few weeks ago!

If he keeps freaking out and bolting, I'm afraid I may have to stop the lease. I'm not 15 years old anymore. I am not fearless. I just want to ride without worrying that the horse will take off with me. Because that is seriously one of the scariest things for me. (Though, of course, who is in love with that feeling??)

If I end up stopping the lease after this, I will feel like a loser. Again, no one else seems to have this problem with him. Everyone goes on and on about how much they love Marve, in fact. And true, he is an awesome horse. Great at dressage and jumping and frankly I'm lucky to be leasing a horse like him at this stable. I don't want to be known as the one who couldn't handle Marve, got scared, and quit.

And stopping the lease would give me more time to write and do yoga, two things I am desperately trying to squeeze back into my life. Of course, I wasn't thinking about quitting the lease until Marve started to scare me. And what if I go back to only weekly lessons and miss the extra riding time? I thought -- and still do -- that riding Marve would make me a better rider. But I won't be a better rider if I'm always afraid my horse is going to take off with me at a wild, uncontrolled gallop.

How much of this is an internal competition for me? When I first started taking lessons at this barn, after being away from riding for years, I was pretty bad. Super rusty, couldn't remember how to do things, and was basically a mess. It was hard at first, and I was counting down the remaining sessions because I just wanted it to end and have the humiliation be over. But then I slowly started to get better. I signed up for another session, then another, and started looking for horses to lease. I leased Mae, and now Marve. I thought that horses were finally back in my life for good.

Now, my SO points out that I can take a break for a while and revisit my riding when I am ready. There is no rule that says I have to keep riding. And I can wait until I'm ready to buy my own horse -- preferably one I can trust to not freak out and run away with me.

He's right, I know. But it comes down to what I want, which I'm not too clear on. Do I want to quit the lease and give up? Do I want only weekly lessons? Do I wait for a better lease situation to come up? Do I want to keep giving it a go, maybe become like that other girl who became skilled in riding bolting, freaking TBs? I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I'm putting in my check for the lease this month and will see what happens....while hoping I don't get seriously hurt in the process.

Rough Patch

I'm going through a rough patch with my riding. At first I thought it was because the show is over and I don't have anything specific to work toward. Yeah, working on certain aspects of my riding so as not to embarrass myself in the show ring gave me direction, but my riding has never been driven by showing. (Hello, in like 12 or whatever years total of riding I've done in my life, I've been in a grand total 4 shows.)

My current not-so-hot riding might be a reflection of feeling stressed and worn down in my other life. I haven't been doing the things that previously mattered so much to me -- writing (fiction) and yoga. I admit it, riding more and getting more involved in general horse care is taking time away from other activities, ones that make me feel whole. I need to find a balance. Or quit my job and convince my SO to support me. Just kidding. Kinda. (It's amazing how fast my young feminist self who declared she would NEVER rely on a man or have him support her changes when the day job starts wearing her down...ha.)

Anyway, there are other factors, too. Sometimes I compare my childhood/teen years with horses to what I have now, and obviously it's very different. Back then, my mother and I would travel through beautiful rolling-hill landscapes to get to the stable, where our horses would be frolicking outside in a big pasture...then we'd tool around, maybe go for a trail ride, just ride around and explore and have fun.

I don't have the opportunity to do any of that stuff now. I ride in the ring and the ring only, working mostly on dressage and sometimes a little on jumping. There are no opportunities to go out for a hack. There are trails, but Marve has been declared non-trail safe, and frankly he isn't the horse I'd want to ride alone out on the trails with anyway. (More on that soon.) The stable doesn't even have pastures, and sometimes it feels like a factory, what with the dozens of young girls coming in and out to ride, almost everyone focused on dressage and getting ready for shows. It's just not the bucolic horsey life I envision for myself.

Plus, there's some fear. Maybe it's the cold weather, but Marve has been downright scaring me sometimes when I ride him outside. He's bolted, he's bucked, he's spooked hard enough to freak me out. I haven't fallen (dare I say yet) but it's gotten to the point where I only ride him inside now. He's fine inside, but sometimes I start thinking, "What if he freaked out right now, just like he did on Sunday when we were outside, but this time he slams me into the arena wall?" These thoughts are not good, I know, but I can't help having some fear creeping in. It just takes one bad bolt or buck to remind you that these animals are powerful and can freaking kill you with one misstep.

Don't worry, I'm not going to stop riding or anything like that. And really, I am happy with this lease -- happier than I was with the one with Mae (though I do miss her, sweet girl). I figure this experience is just another step in the direction of my figuring out exactly what I am looking for, horse-wise, so when the day comes that I feel settled and ready and financially secure enough to buy my own horse, I'll know exactly what to do.

Happy riding, everyone.

I Feel Like She's Judging Me

Whoa, where'd I go? What happened? Sorry bout that. But I am here now to blog about the show!

The Day Before: I got at the stable as early as I could, thinking I'd ride, clean the tack, braid and get home within a reasonable amount of time. Ha! Well, first I rode. We did not have a very good ride and I think I was just trying to go through the motions and give him enough exercise so he wouldn't be a raging beast at the show. At this point I was exhausted and just not in the mood to work on any more stirrupless exercises and or any of that stuff. Which I think is okay.

After I rode and cooled him off, the barn owner told me there were several school horses who didn't have riders that day, so would I mind riding a few of them? Well, okay. So I rode two school horses, and even though I only meant to go about 30 minutes on each, the whole process ended up taking nearly two hours.

After that, I started cleaning tack. As I cleaned, all the stable girls were going on and on about the showmanship class and how everything had to be perfectly, disgustingly clean. This is about when I knew I shouldn't have entered showmanship. Marve's bridle is old and crappy and I was cleaning the heck out of it, but it still didn't look so hot. And how in the world could I get his gray coat shiny enough for the judge? I had been under the impression that showmanship was as much about how you handled the horse as the appearance...but apparently, in this show, it almost all comes down to appearance. And I'm just not into that. So I knew it was a mistake but it was too late.

Anyway, after cleaning the tack I washed Marve's legs and tail and groomed the heck out of him. I have to say, by the time I was done he looked pretty darn good. He was practically glowing, he looked so white.

Then I set about braiding his mane. Even though sometimes practicing didn't always feel like it was getting me anywhwere, I'm so glad I spent all those late nights at the barn braiding. At the least, I had a set plan in my head of how exactly I was going to braid, and I wasn't going to deviate from it. The braiding went so much more quickly than I had expected, and I think I did a fairly decent job. Nothing spectacular, but surely enough to get by in this little show (or so I thought).

Even with the relatively painless braiding experience, it was still really late when I finally left the barn. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home, have a pumpkin beer, and fall asleep.

Show Day: I dutifully arrived at the barn at the agreed upon 1.5 hours before my class. I entered Marve's stall and was pleased to see his face and front legs seemed just as glowingly white as they had the night before. Then I took off his blanket and discovered a HUGE splotch of manure and dirt. Argghgh!

I started currying and currying and used some special cleaner stuff to try to get the dirt out. I must have been delirious from the exhausting day before, because when I was all ready to go into the showmanship class, I felt relatively confident that he looked good. His braids had stayed in and I had gotten rid of the brown spot (or so I thought). It was time for showmanship. Piece of cake! Right?

Showmanship: Oh dear lord. What a disaster! I guess it could have gone worse. Like, I guess Marve could have had explosive diarrhea all over the judge. Or I guess I could have had explosive diarrhea all over the judge. I don't think we did anything right. The first thing I had to do was lead Marve through super simple pattern, get him to trot a little, stop, and then back up before we took our place in line for "the inspection." I had practiced this stuff so wasn't concerned at all.

Well, clearly I should have been. While walking through the pattern, Marve started rubbing his head on me. Okay, so I got him to stop that. Then he decided he would not trot. AT ALL. And this is something I did work out with him to the point where I thought it would be easy. But not only would he not trot, but he jerked his head up and I almost lost the reins. Then, when I tried to back him up, he briefly bolted out to the side and I again almost lost the reins.

I lined him up to wait for the others to finish so the judge could come inspect everyone's grooming. I was super embarrassed. Obviously I would not get a ribbon in this class, and I just wanted it to be over. But as I stood there, trying to look nonchalant like I didn't just humiliate myself (everyone else was perfect, by the way) I noticed that the manure spot had magically reappeared on Marve's side! WTF? I think the lighting in the barn must be different from the lighting in the arena, because it was totally visible in there. Ugh.

But I didn't even get to wait out the failure in peace. When the judge got to us and conducted her "inspection," I thought she'd take pity on my already dismal performance and leave me be. Um, no. She started harping on the fact that Marve's bridle didn't look clean enough (I swear, I scrubbed and polished that bitch like no other...it's an old crappy bridle), I didn't have the right kind of helmet (wtf???), his braids could be better, and, of course, he had a faint manure stain on him the size of Texas.

I felt like a little kid being scolded for a loose pigtail or something. I know it's my fault because I decided to enter this class, and I clearly didn't prepare to the extent I needed to, but it just seems silly to me. Sure, you should have your horse looking his best on a show day, but I personally don't find it worth my time to kill myself getting him to look ridiculously perfect all for a class where you stand there and judge circles you, searching for stray hairs. I also wasn't expecting the other girls to be soooo serious about this class. They were really into it. Me? Not so much.

When they finally announced the last ribbon winner, I was more than happy to get Marve the heck out of there and focus on my "real" classes.

Equitation: After showmanship, I mounted and got to warm up a little more before my advanced equitation class. At this point, I started to get really nervous. I watched some of my competition and felt pretty discouraged...a lot of these girls are very, very good. I felt so out of place and decided I probably should have just done intermediate again. At the last show, the advanced class had to do some pretty serious moves, and I just didn't know if I could cut it. Plus, the judge this time apparently was being harder on everyone and challenging them more than the judge at the show a few months ago. What if I couldn't control Marve? What if I fell off? I was really starting to stress. My last words to my SO before riding into the ring were, I believe, "I don't want to do this!!"

It was a big class for the arena, about 12 riders. And somehow, Marve and I didn't totally suck! He didn't run away from me. I didn't do anything stupid. I was nervous and couldn't get him to bend/relax/stretch, which stunk, but that was it. And while I did have to do some exercises without stirrups, it wasn't anything nearly as difficult as what I had been practicing on my own. So when the judge called for us to line up, I was like, "Already?" I couldn't believe she didn't throw anything trickier at us. Also, that I stayed on. :)

I still wasn't expecting a ribbon, because I don't have the best equitation in the world and assumed I couldn't compete with those girls. But I got 5th place! Awesome. Maybe all my practice paid off, after all. I know 5th might seem lame to some people, but trust me, in that class and with that many people, I was thrilled with it.

Pleasure: I was just relieved equitation was behind me, but I should have been more concerned with this class. This is where Marve and I lost our shit. I don't know if he finally got wound up from cantering around the small ring with all those horses or what, but he became a nutcase. During one of the first cantering sessions, he started to run away with me. Oh, joy. I will never forget that powerful surge in his shoulders/neck and he started to take off. Fab-u-lous.

I turned him in a circle and managed to prevent us from, you know, dying, but he was all excited. I had to canter him in practically a 10 meter circle to get him to calm down. Thankfully, we were asked to trot again, which was a relief. Then we switched directions and started cantering again almost immediately, and he tried to run off with me again. He ran right up behind another horse, and I didn't have room to turn him across because another horse was already coming...so we were basically in a three-way traffic jam and Marve did not want to stop. I managed to pull him into a trot, thank god, and would have stayed trotting even if the they hadn't called for a downward transition anyway. Then, a minute later, we were told to canter again. Usually they only ask for a canter once in a direction, so what was the deal?? Well, we had a few normal strides of cantering, so I thought things were cool, but then a little girl in the audience made a sudden move and Marve spooked to the inside of the arena. I held on desperately and was mostly okay and kept my balance, but my shirt came untucked and my jacket flew up a little so I think it's possible I exposed my tummy.

Anyway, not long after that the evil pleasure class was over. Do I really need to tell you whether I got a ribbon? I'm just lucky I didn't die.

So overall, not an exactly encouraging show report. Despite the disasters that were showmanship and pleasure, I really am not that upset with it. Overall, Marve was okay, and even when he freaked out in pleasure I managed to bring him back under control. So it's not hopeless.

I have to say that I really don't "blame" Marve for anything. I truly think it's my weaknesses as a rider that contribute to these problems. I have no doubt that a better, more confident rider would have gotten better results in the show with him than I did. But I am doing my best, I'm working hard, and that is all I can ask for.

Positives: Learning to braid, realizing showmanship (or "extreme grooming" as I now call it) is just not for me, handling the stirrupless stuff like a pro, and getting 5th in equitation. Yay me! I think I deserve a cookie.

Out of My Gourd

My SO said my pumpkin beer bowl idea would result in beer that tastes horrible.

"Maybe you could line the pumpkin with something," he says.

"How about beer?" I say.

"Or maybe you could use a real ladle," he suggests.

Yeah....or how about one made from a gourd?

At this point he totally abandons his gentle approach and says: "Why not just go all out and mull it into a warm, skunky, pumpkin-rot brew?"

Whatev!!! I'd drink it. And it would rule. Also, I'd add some toasted pumpkin seeds on the top for decoration.

Everyone knows visionaries have to suffer from others putting down their ideas and saying it will never work. You just have to be strong and stick to the plan. And my plan = pumpkin beer bowl extravaganza!

Also, the little schooling show happened, so no more of my whining about it. Huzzah! I am tempted to call it a disaster, but a disaster would entail me falling off or getting hurt (or getting someone else hurt) which thankfully didn't happen. But we came close!

Naa, it wasn't a total failure, and I had fun, but I also had moments of terror and shame. Oh, the terror and shame. What else should I expect from a schooling show? Update coming soon!

ETA: I am fully aware that my pumpkin beer bowl idea very likely already exists. But I choose not to google it for fear that I will see it executed in reality even better than what I had imagined. For now, I will stay in the dark. When I feel strong enough, I will look it up and see what's out there. No one ever said visionaries had to do their research, right?

ETA #2: BTW I have made a conscious decision to use "google" as a verb. My SO isn't a huge fan of that trend, either, but I've decided to go with it. I should add that he is very supportive in other areas...he followed me around all day at the show with a damp rag to wipe away Marve's drool and once, he even shoveled away the poop when Marve lost it for the 9th time in the aisle. He's a good fellow, that SO. Just needs to be more open-minded when it comes to all things pumpkin. And NOW I return to doing actual work at my job. Hopefully.

I Turn to Pumpkin Crafts in Times of Stress

I'm sitting here drinking a Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale (shoutout to Daun!) and trying to unwind from my uber stressful last few days. I don't write about my personal life on here much, but the last few days have been very trying for me. Family issues. I don't really feel like getting into it, but I've been anxious and worried and stressed for two and a half days straight. Thankfully, I got some relief tonight, and I think things will be okay. But it really put everything into perspective, and I can't say I'm freaking out over the show anymore...what happens will happen!

As for the beer, I like it. It wasn't love at first sip, but it is spicy and more pumpkiny than some of the others I've tried. There's still a few more for me to try before the season is up, so maybe I'll have a verdict by then. Idea! How cool would it be at a Halloween party to fill a huge hollowed-out pumpkin with pumpkin beer and serve it with a gourd ladle? Or is that just me?

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen (or Braiders in the Barn)

My braiding practice has been frustrating not just because I never have the time to actually braid the whole mane, but also because I keep getting conflicting advice and therefore am continuously starting over. First, I started braiding one way, but a girl came and gave me advice for doing it another way. The braids looked different with her way of tying them off, but they were tighter, so I thought that must be good. So I scrapped my first attempts and started braiding the new way. Then someone else came and showed me how to do it in a way that was similar to my first technique. Every time this happened I felt like my previous practice was no good and I had relearn it. Ahhh!

But I have made a decision to stick with the original way. Besides being slightly easier for me (I admit it!) it also just looks better with Marve's mane. So even if the braids aren't as tiny and tight-looking as others, I figure a neat-looking appearance is better than really tight and crooked.

It is still so hard, though. I can see why so much practice is necessary. And I can tell you that I'm looking forward to the show being over so I can stop spending late nights braiding at the barn, or obsessing over how I'm possibly going to get him clean enough for showmanship. My life seems to have been consumed by this teeny little show. I'm driving a million miles to the tack shop again today to pick up some last minute supplies, and I'll probably try to practice braiding again if I have time. It will be a relief when it's all over and I don't need to freak out about a stain on his coat.

The stains are still there, by the way, and I fear they will be there on show day, too. This is a struggle for me, because at heart I am a perfectionist. I want to be able to make him totally clean and glowing for show day. I'm willing to put in the work. But I a) probably won't have enough time and b) seem to lack the ability to get a gray horse clean.

Well, despite my excitement (I can't believe the show is only days away now!) I also can't wait until I can relax after Saturday and it's all over.

Oh, on the plus side, the stirrupless exercises are still going okay...no falling off! I hope that means my heart won't explode with terror at the show when the judge tells us to lose the stirrups and start cantering around.

Drowning

I am so stressed and overwhelmed. I have a ton of high-pressure work projects coming up, with no end in sight. I'm going to a few writers' groups and trying to push myself to write more. I've totally been neglecting any and all domestic duties, so the place is a mess and my SO has been doing all the cooking. And it seems that every time I go to the stable, it magically takes me longer and longer to even just groom Marve or tack him up. I haven't had time to practice braiding; between grooming his filthy gray coat, tacking up, riding, cooling him down, hosing him off, cleaning him up, sweeping the aisle, etc. etc. the stable is about ready to close for the night. But I still desperately need to practice braiding.

The show is coming up next weekend (or this weekend, since I seem to be writing this after midnight on Sunday night) and I'm just starting to realize how crunched for time I'll be on show day. Even though I'm not competing until the afternoon (pre-beginner, beginner, intermediate classes go first) this is going to be a very busy show (they're opening it up for the first time for outside people to trailer in), so riders/groomers aren't allowed to show up until certain times. I can't come to start cleaning Marve and tacking him up until an hour and a half before my ride time. This seems ridiculous to me, but there's going to be so much activity, so many horses being moved around, and so many spectators that they want to keep things as structured as possible. I can come out the night before to wash him, braid him, etc, but lord knows he's going to be a mess by the time the afternoon of show day comes along. Not to mention that I also need to clean all his tack the night before the show....I just don't know how I'm going to have time to do all this.

On the plus side, I can get Marve to trot in hand now. And I've been working on some possible exercises the judge might make us do in equitation without stirrups. Even though I have ridden Marve without stirrups before, for some reason I was so scared that if I tried a certain exercise at the canter without my stirrups, I'd fall off. This weekend I spent nearly an hour riding around, trying to get up the courage to ask for a canter w/out stirrups while doing this exercise. When I finally did it and he started cantering, I realized, oh, this isn't hard at all! It's actually way easier to canter this without stirrups than to deal with his bouncy trot!

Of course, the second time I tried it without stirrups, I couldn't get him to stop cantering. That will go over nicely in the show during the individual exercises!

I am still set for the advanced division, which still makes me nervous. But at least I will be competing with older teens and adults (and, apparently, some outsiders trailering in) instead of kids. And I keep reminding myself that there is a difference between feeling embarrassed for not being able to execute all the elements perfectly and getting hurt. So maybe I won't get a ribbon all day, but so what? At least I'll (hopefully) learn a lot.

That's not to say that I don't still feel so old. I should have learned to do all this stuff -- braiding, what to do in a showmanship class, and so on -- when I was a teen, not now as an adult. But I guess you have to learn some time, and if I ever want to go to shows one day when I own a horse, it's good I learned now.

Testing, Testing

This week I went through a "mock show" with Marve. We were alone in the arena and I went through the basic motions of the classes we'll be entering. So basically, we just walked, trotted, and cantered large. I worked on my sitting trot, which is getting better. Then we worked on some simple patterns, both with and without stirrups, for equitation.

You might think it's good I'm practicing, but this process ended up making me feel frustrated. Marve felt like he was going a million miles an hour. When he goes large, he gets fast. It's nothing I can't handle but I know it's going to be a problem in the show when he runs up behind other horses. And here he was going that fast when we were alone! By the end, after cantering, I had a difficult time pulling him back to a trot and then a walk in a timely fashion. That is going to be a problem for equitation.

I'd like to stress that I'm so nervous about this show not because I'm worried about which ribbon I'll get. I couldn't care less about that. (And frankly, since I'm riding in the advanced division now, I don't even expect to get a ribbon at all.) My concerns are entirely safety related. What if I can't slow him down and he freaks out the other horses? What if he freaks out himself? What if I freak out and am not riding very well and I contribute to this big mess? I just want to get through this show and be safe without falling off, running into another horse, or causing an accident.

And yeah, I know entering a pleasure class and equitation class at a schooling show isn't exactly rocket science. But I actually wish this could be a dressage show, instead. Then we'd be riding alone and riding a test with circles, etc. which Marve is way better at than just being allowed to run around the full arena and get all fired up.

Oh, and braiding. I practiced a few times, but still haven't done the entire mane because I haven't had the time. I finally understand the technical side of braiding, which trust me, is a big step. Before I was like, "Is yarn really necessary? Why do I need some little hook thingy to pull the yarn through? Pfffft." So at least I know the basics of how to do it, but now I am struggling with stuff like getting the braids tight enough, keeping them spaced evenly, and so on.

The first time I tried braiding, I ended up totally tangled up in yarn. Each hand felt like it consisted of 5 thumbs and I could not for the life of me get a hold of the yarn to braid it in. Thank goodness one of the teenage girls noticed and was nice enough to come over and show me a simpler way of getting organized to start braiding the yarn. It helped immensely. Yay teenage girl!

The reactions from the other teenagers have been pretty funny. One girl stopped and watched me for a moment, and I explained this was my first time braiding and I was just trying to practice. She said, "Oh, you're doing great! Most of the braids you'll see in this show are pretty bad...yours right there already look like they could be some of the best. You have nothing to worry about."

So I felt a little puffed up and proud about that...until later, two girls on completely separate occasions came up to me. It went like this:

Me: It's my first time braiding, so I obviously don't know what I'm doing. But I'll work on it.
Girl: Hey, it's not too bad. As long as you're not entering showmanship, you'll be fine!
Me: Actually, I am entering showmanship.
Girl: ........Oh.

Haha! Gotta love the stable girls.

The Happiest Summers

I'm taking a break from my typical worrying over the schooling show (brief update: I apparently am capable of maneuvering three parts of hair into a braid; making it pretty, however, is something else) to reminisce a little over some of the best summers of my life. When I look back, these are the three summers that stick out in my mind:

The summer after college graduation. After I got my degree I took off on a backpacking trip around the western states and Canada. It was a blast! I went by myself, lived off spaghetti and peanut butter, stayed in youth hostels or crashed with long-lost friends, met awesome people, hiked in national parks...an amazing summer, all around. This was my last "free" summer before starting my first professional job, which was all lined up in an East coast city with an autumn starting date. So I had the freedom of traveling around like a wandering hippie, but the security of knowing I had a stable, professional job with a 401k waiting for me when I was done traveling.

The summer I was 16. This was the year my friends and I all got our driver's licenses and discovered we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. This was basically just a happy time of girlie friendships and good old-fashioned fun. It was also the last summer before my mother's cancer diagnosis, so in many ways it was my last carefree one.

The summer I was 11. This was the year my mom started to trust me riding on the trail without her. (She was very protective and safety-conscious when it came to riding.) So for that summer, I partnered up with a slightly older girl named Trudy and her saint of a quarter horse, Domino. We hit the trails together, explored, and had an amazing time. For me, it was a novelty to be out on horseback without my mom's protective watch. And there was something so deliciously grown up about being dropped off at the stable to groom, tack up and take care of my horse truly all on my own.

I look back at these summers and notice the theme of freedom and independence. I can still remember the thrill of moments in my childhood/teen years when I realized I did not have to rely on anybody else, but could just do what I wanted. Like when I was 12 and on vacation with my family. I really wanted to go ice skating, but no one would take me, and I realized the rink was within walking distance of our hotel and I could just go on my own! Or when suburbs-raised me stayed with a family member in a more urban area for a few weeks, and I figured out that (gasp!) I could take the public bus instead of relying on adults to drive me around. Every time something like that happened I had a little epiphany that this was my life and I could handle things on my own.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job of carrying that independent spirit into my current life. And that includes the three loves represented in those summers past: horses, good friends and an adventurous, exploring spirit.

And yes, it does kind of depress me that since that first post-college summer, I've been hard at work in an office job every summer since. I wish I had the calling to be a teacher, because that would be sweet. But I can't complain about my life, and right now I feel pretty grateful for all that I have.

Even if I do suck at braiding.

Slacker

I seem to be having trouble getting back into a consistent blog posting mode. Maybe it's because my riding hasn't been going so well lately. There's nothing particularly wrong, things just aren't going as well as I'd like. Plus, my instructor just told me she thinks I belong in the advanced division in the show, not intermediate. While I'm glad she thinks I'm up to that level, I haven't exactly been feeling it myself. This puts new pressure on me, and it means I can expect some individual patterns without stirrups in the equitation class. I've been practicing without stirrups and I feel secure, but it doesn't look pretty. Also, I haven't had time to work on trotting in hand for showmanship, and also haven't had much progress getting Marve to chill out and not rush up to the horses in front of him.

Oh yeah, and I haven't practicing braiding yet, either. The barn owner overheard me telling someone I've never braided a mane and I thought she'd have a heart attack. She said I better start practicing like, yesterday. So tonight I'm going to the stable to start braiding. They are telling me to use yarn? That seems weird to me...won't yarn be too bulky? I thought it was more like thread or skinny yarn, but what they showed me was regular old yarn. So I clearly am clueless and am going to search around online for good braiding instructions before I give it a go. If you have any tips or resources, please post! I'm guessing I section off his mane first with rubber bands, then braid and start braiding the yarn in right away or halfway down? Then pull it through and tie it off? See, I am clueless. I will read about it and hopefully get an idea of how this works.

Bottom line, I don't feel ready for this show and there are only a few weeks left. But as long as I don't fall off or take out half the horses in the ring with a galloping Marve, I guess I'll be happy. And hey, being in the advanced division might severely limit my ability to get a decent ribbon, but at least I might not be riding around with 11-year-olds!

A Poorly Braided, Tail-Chasing, Bouncy-Trotting Mess

Bart: I thought you said you wanted a challenge.
Lisa: Duh. A challenge I can do.

That's about where I am right now. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will be riding Marve in the schooling show next month. And I'm already getting nervous.

It doesn't help that I've been feeling kind of bipolar about my riding lately. My lesson last week went really well, as did my ride yesterday. But the other rides throughout this last week were not so hot, which is frustrating. And I'm just starting to realize Marve and I have some very real challenges in store for us at this little show, including:

1. Convincing Marve he does NOT want to chase down the horse in front of him and ride right. on. its. tail. This has the potential to be a big problem at the show. He's fine until I ride him behind another horse, and then he decides he just HAS to become best friends with the horse's butt. That, coupled with his huge strides, might make our classes kind of...interesting. I do not want to be that girl constantly circling to get away from other horses. I also don't want to forget everything else about my riding for the sake of holding him back. So I need to work on this.

2. Sitting trot. This is another tough one. Marve has a horribly rough, bouncy trot. Some of the girls at the stable told me they have a hard time posting to it. (Although, wtf?) At the last show I entered at this stable, the judge made us sit to the trot and go around and around forever. Which is fine on a horse that doesn't have a hellish trot. I can sit to Marve's trot okay if I slow him down (is that cheating?) and get him nice and round (if I'm lucky), but if he gets excited and speeds up, there's enough room between my ass and the saddle for a little league game. I've been practicing, but I'm afraid all the practice in the world isn't going to save me from 10 straight minutes of bouncing around on an excited TB at this show.

3. Showmanship. I've never entered a showmanship class before, and while I didn't expect to get a blue ribbon, I didn't think this would be too difficult. And then I realized that Marve seems totally unwilling to trot in hand. He just stares at me and takes big TB walking strides while I jog along, begging him to trot. I've never encountered this before, so I need to find a way to convince him to trot along next to me. Any suggestions? Besides this issue, I'm also stressing over the emphasis on appearance. I can't imagine what his poor mane will look like when I'm done braiding it, not to mention that he is gray (why why WHY can't he be chestnut or bay?) and perpetually dirty. All the currying in the world doesn't seem to get him super clean looking.

Well, I guess I better get busy practicing half halts, sitting the trot, and braiding instead of stressing over this little show. Again, I am excited, just a little nervous Marve and I will become a spectacle of poorly braided tail-chasing madness on show day. I'll keep you updated on our practice and progress!

All Thumbs

So where have I been? What's been going on? Sorry about my absence. I had yet another houseguest, and then work and life and all that jazz just piled up and I neglected this blog. But I'm back now.

So...some financial crisis, huh? I have to say, I'm glad I decided to lease Marve instead of going full out and buying a horse. I'm not running for the hills yet, but if this economic crisis gets much worse, who knows what will happen to my job. I feel more secure and comfortable leasing Marve without having to worry about supporting a horse 100%. And even the half lease is taking a noticeable chunk out of my pay every month -- this lease costs more than double what I was paying for Mae, plus I'm still taking rather pricey lessons, with plans to add some private sessions. It all adds up and I'm relieved I don't have the financial burden that comes with full horse ownership right now.

So you know that horse show coming up next month? It looks like I'm definitely entering it. I'll do equitation, pleasure, showmanship, and maybe one more. I haven't yet decided between intermediate or advanced; I'll talk to my instructor about that one. I'm excited because even though it's just a tiny schooling show, and I'll probably be riding around the ring with kids again, it's still going to be a test of what Marve and I have been working on. So I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, but I have to learn how to braid now. This is completely new to me. When I entered a couple of little shows as a kid/teen, I was riding my Arab mare, so her long mane made braiding unnecessary. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off. I don't exactly have nimble fingers and I can't even do anything with my hair, much less braid a neat little row down the neck of a 17-hand Thoroughbred who hates to stand still for 20 minutes to be groomed, much less braided. Sigh. So we'll see how this goes.

More later on on my show goals and the challenges, both big and small, we still need to overcome!

Lesson Success

My lesson this week went so, so much better, and my instructor definitely had some good things to say about my riding. I certainly didn't get everything right, but at least it didn't feel like everything was wrong. I was really pleased, and I think I've finally learned a few tricks to help get Marve (and me) on the right track. He and I have definitely improved together over the last few weeks -- sure, sometimes it still feels like we have an unbearable distance to cover before we're where I want us to be -- but I figure a noticeable improvement in this short period of time can't be anything but good.

In a previous post, I mentioned that a girl at the barn said she thought the lesson riders were "messing up" Marve and his training. Well, she stopped by the ring to watch my lesson for a little while this week. Then, when I was untacking, she said that Marve looked great in the lesson. "Hopefully," she said, "with you riding him three days a week, you'll be able to get him back into his old form."

I admit I was flattered. Before, I worried I was one of the riders contributing to the problem, but maybe in reality I can help him to improve. (Well, we all know that HE really is the one helping me improve, but since he can't talk I'll just pretend it's all me, ha.)

So a good lesson, a good day.

A Poorly Braided, Tail-Chasing, Bouncy-Trotting Mess

Bart: I thought you said you wanted a challenge.
Lisa: Duh. A challenge I can do!

That's about where I am right now. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will be riding Marve in the schooling show next month. And I'm already getting nervous.

It doesn't help that my riding has been uneven lately. I haven't written any updates in a while, and it's been tricky because I guess you could see I've been feeling a little bipolar about my riding. My lesson last week went great. My ride yesterday was awesome. But all the other rides in the last week have been really rocky and I felt frustrated for not doing well.

Plus, I am just starting to realize this show is going to be trickier for Marve and me than I thought. Here are the challenges we need to work on:

1. Convincing Marve he does NOT want to chase down the horse in front of him and ride right. on. its. tail. I made this #1 because it has the potential to be a big problem at the show. He's fine until I ride him behind another horse, and then he decides he just HAS to become best friends with the horse's butt. That, coupled with his huge strides, might make our classes kind of...interesting. I do not want to be that girl constantly circling to get away from other horses. I also don't want to forget everything else about my riding for the sake of holding him back. So I need to work on this. It was better the last few times I rode, but sometimes he will revert back to his tail-chasing ways and he becomes difficult to bring back.

2. Sitting trot. This is another tough one. Marve has a horribly rough, bouncy trot. Some of the girls at the stable told me they have a hard time posting to it. (Although, wtf?) I have been practicing sitting to his trot with mixed results. If I slow down his trot (is that cheating?) and get him nice and round (if I'm lucky) then I don't have a big problem sitting to his trot. But when he speeds up or gets a little excited, there is enough room between my ass and the saddle for a little league game. And my position looks horrible in general. Not cool. In the last schooling show I was in, the judge made us go around and around forever at the sitting trot, so I'm kind of dreading this.

3. Showmanship. I have never entered a showmanship class before, but I figured it might be fun. Uh yeah, and I'm just now finding out that Marve seems totally unwilling to trot in hand. I've tried everything but he just walks along with his huge Thoroughbred stride and stares at me and I jog along, pleading with him to pick up the pace. I've never dealt with this before -- usually, if I'm leading a horse and ask him to trot, there's no problems. So I don't know how to fix this. Any help? But almost as embarrassing as the trotting issue is the general emphasis on appearances. I can't imagine what his poor mane will look like when I'm through braiding it. Plus, he's gray (why why WHY couldn't he be chestnut or bay?) and perpetually dirty and no matter how much I curry, he doesn't exactly look show quality.

I guess I better get practicing -- on half halts, sitting the trot, braiding, etc. -- and not get too worked up over a little schooling show. Again, I'm exciting about it...I'm just also a little nervous. I'll keep you updated on our progress.

Bitching My Way Out of a Paper Bag

First, some good news: I no longer get nervous when cantering Marve, and he hasn't been running away with me. Yay! The last few times we had a pretty nice canter and I always felt like I was in control. This is such a relief. We've even been cantering the full length of the arena with no problems -- previously, I stuck to a lot of circles because going large got him all excited and quick. So I don't know if I've just been lucky the last few rides, or if my slightly increased confidence is helping both of us have a better canter. My position is still crap, of course, but that's another story. :)

Now let's move on to yet another delightful tale about the snooty girls at the barn. Or should I say the queen of snooty girls.

For the most part, these teens have been vaguely polite to me in recent days. One in particular -- she's 18 -- seems pretty cool and I definitely plan to keep bugging her with questions because she's a great rider and knows a lot.

But then I had an encounter while riding in the indoor the other day. A girl rode in on a big fancy horse. I gave her a smile and said hi.

Her response? The most withering ice queen look I have ever been given in my life. Okaaaaaay. So we rode around in silence for a while.

And then, when we were both walking, she approached me and started spewing these super insulting comments, implying just vaguely enough that maybe I've never met an equine before and might be confused as to how I ended up bouncing around on a horse at that moment in the first place.

I could go into detail about the whole exchange, but it was so immature and stupid -- and would probably get me all fired up again -- that I don't even want to bother. Rest assured that it was uncalled for and it was ridiculous. I think I handled myself pretty well because I wouldn't just sit there and take it. I asked her to back up her statements with actual observations of my riding. Which she totally couldn't, of course, so that shut her up. But I also had to really fight not reply with something equally snotty and mean. Must. Be. Bigger. Person. (And am, physically and age-wise, ha.)

Anyway, the whole thing left me feeling shocked and furious. What the HELL is going on with these brats at the barn? I never encountered girls like this when I was growing up. Where I came from, you were likely a nerd if you rode horses (cough cough), but these girls are like the bitchy prom queen/cheerleader types on horseback. The whole thing pissed me off so hard that I was thinking that no matter how well everything else is going in this lease, it's not worth it to put up with that kind of shit from girls not old enough to vote. Or maybe even drive.

As I rode, something kept bothering me about this girl. Even her face made me angry, and I didn't know why. If a random person saw her on the street, they'd surely think she was pretty. But to me, her little face, her eye makeup, her expression, everything makes me think of the stereotypical mean girl you'd see in a cheesy high school movie. Just everything about this chick -- from her appearance to her actions to her tone of voice -- is a cliche, synonymous with "hot bratty high school girl." Was that why she looked familiar to me, because I've seen her counterparts in trashy movies?

About halfway through my ride, though, the heavens opened up and I realized who she was. OMG! Earlier in the summer, the barn hosted a dressage show and I dropped by for a few minutes to watch. I was at one of the stable's information booths, which was manned by an adult and a teenage girl (enter ICE QUEEN). I chatted with the woman for a few moments about the stable and volunteering, and then, not to leave her out, I turned to the teenager and said, "Hi! So do you volunteer here a lot?"

This girl responded by narrowing her eyes, tossing her shiny, shiny hair over shoulder, letting out a jesus-christ-you-are-dumb-as-shit sigh and then saying, "I OWN my own HORSE" with such venom in her voice that frankly, I was almost impressed. Then, just before scowling and turning away from me, she muttered under her breath, "God. Some people don't know anything."

I am not kidding. That is how it went down.

You know how you're always reading about jaws dropping in shock, and it's usually hyperbole? Not in this case. My mouth literally was hanging open as I stared at the wake of this girl's insane bitchiness. I was rendered utterly speechless. The adult at the table kind of gave me a shrug, like, "At least you haven't had to sit with her at this booth all day."

I have met some bitchy people in my life. But this little snot makes all of those other bitches look like they can't bitch their way out of a paper bag. (And, by the way, I typically don't like when the term "bitch" is applied to women, but when I see or think of this ice queen, the rest of my vocabulary is temporarily erased.)

So THAT was the girl bugging me in the arena. When I saw her at the booth, I might have pegged her at about 15 -- though I am really bad at age estimation -- but on the horse, with her helmet, she seemed like she might be older. I don't care if she's 13 or 17 or 26 or whatever, her behavior is completely inexcusable.

Even so, I felt better for realizing this was the same girl. It's all her problem because she's horridly unreasonable, and it has nothing to do with me. Or with any of the other girls at the barn, for that matter.

I rode around happily for the rest of the time. No way was I going to let some misguided little girl wreck my ride. And, while it's not very zen-like for me to think this, I realized that one day she's going to have to pay for how she treats people. Eventually, her behavior is going to catch up with her, somehow, some day.

Until then, I will kill her with kindness. Either that or with a low, guttural "Who the fuck do you think you are?" when she says something offensive. You know. One of the two.

Horses and Houseguests Don't Mix?

I had an old friend from college visiting from out of town this weekend. We had a blast, just hanging out, reminiscing, and hitting the town a little. Very fun, and it was awesome to see her. She is not horsey -- none of my close friends are -- but I was still kind of excited about taking her to the barn and showing her Marve. I emailed her before she came to visit, explaining that I had to go out and ride him once during the weekend to exercise him, so was she cool with coming out with me? She never responded to that email, but since we both tend to get caught up in our day jobs and don't write back right away, I didn't think much of it.

But then when she was here, it became apparent she had no interest at all in joining me. I ended up going to the stable alone once to ride Marve while she just hung out in my apartment.

I was disappointed, I admit it. The situation also reminded me that as awesome as she is, and even though we always have so much fun together, if something doesn't interest or concern her directly, she won't have anything to do with it. And that annoyed me.

It wasn't like I was asking her to spend four hours at the stable with me. I told her it was a 10 minute drive, tops, then I'd ride for 45 minutes, and then we could go. But she still didn't muster up the interest to join me. I can think of many non-horsey, out-of-town friends of mine who would love to come out to the barn and watch me ride Marve. No, horses might not be their passion, but they are my friends and they would genuinely like to have a glimpse at one of my hobbies. Just like I might know nothing about fencing, karate, pottery making, etc., but if I had a chance to watch one of my friends in action in that sort of hobby -- for a measly 45 minutes -- I'd love it. It would let me get to know my friends a little bit more in a new way.

But you can't force someone to be interested in something, and it's better she hung out at home instead of coming along and moping, I suppose. Plus, she cleaned my whole kitchen while I was gone, including all the greasy remnant of our failed tofu experiment from the night before. So I really can't complain.

When I came home and saw the sparkling kitchen, it somehow reminded me of when we were in college and a lot of people on campus got the idea that we were a couple, partly because we were always together and partly because we went to some gay/lesbian alliance meetings to support a few of our friends. So when I came home to my apartment, I joked with her that it's too bad we're both boring heterosexuals, because otherwise we'd have an awesome relationship: I'd go horseback riding and come home to find that she had done all the domestic chores!

Ah, well. I am very content with my SO, who is completely unhorsey but still listens to me blabber on about my riding without letting on how bored he is. And he sometimes comes to the stable, and he also offered to be my assistant -- as much as he can -- at the schooling show next month if I enter. So I guess I have it pretty good. It just disappoints me my friend had zero interest in something that makes me so excited.

Oh, and my kitchen is dirty again, by the way. Darn it.

You're Doing It Wrong

Ever notice that by taking riding lessons, you are effectively paying a load of money for someone to spend a solid hour detailing all the new and unique ways you manage to fail?

Had my first lesson on Marve since the start of the lease last week, and I was really excited. I'm taking group lessons and there were supposed to be 3 other riders in my class, but none of them showed up on this night. That meant bonus private lesson, whoo hoo!

But my excitement was short-lived. I thought Marve and I had been doing pretty well together, but I guess I was wrong. The instructor had a million things to comment on and gripe about. I felt like I couldn't do anything right.

Now, I do like my instructor. She is not unduly harsh or negative, but she most certainly will point out my flaws. Like, ALL of them. Sometimes, when she keeps pointing out the things I'm (still) doing wrong, I feel like crying out, "But don't you know that this is HARD???"

Obviously, I don't want to pay for lessons only to have the instructor coddle me. I want to get better, and I want that objective feedback from a knowledgeable professional. But I guess sometimes my little feelings get hurt and I wish I had just a smidge more positive feedback. I think I got one compliment the entire lesson. Yes, I'm a whiny baby. But I don't like to think that I'm a disaster and not good enough for Marve, either.

For example, Marve hasn't been stretching or accepting the bit as readily as he once did. Someone at the barn told me she thinks he's being "ruined" because the BO is now using him regularly in lessons. This girl believes not all the lesson riders are good enough for him and are changing him for the worse. I can totally buy that, but I also worry that I'm part of the problem and I'm contributing to his possible downward slide. Sure, these kind of issues come with the territory with lesson horses, but since I'm riding him three times a week I don't want to be a triple bad influence, if that makes sense.

I guess there's not much I can do except keep trying, practicing, working, and listening to my instructor....even if she isn't exactly handing out the shiny gold stars my over-achieving self so dearly craves.

You Still Need Lessons?!

Yesterday I had two people, on completely separate occasions, ask why the heck I still need riding lessons. Because, really, don't I already know how to ride a horse by now?

Ah, well, how do you even begin to go about trying to get them to understand? I tried to draw a comparison to playing tennis/painting/playing a musical instrument -- no matter what your level, instruction is helpful -- but I don't think it did any good. If I can get on a horse and ride around without immediately falling off, then I'm good to go, right?

It reminds me of being kid, when other kids would say, "Oh yeah, I totally know how to ride a horse" because they were plunked on a pony at the county fair or went on a trail ride once. As a kid, this made me kind of angry because they were so clueless about what really goes into riding...now, I just know they're clueless. Like how I'm clueless about so many other things in life!

My cantering with Marve is slightly better, if only based on the fact that I'm no longer afraid of him running away and I'm starting to not care about how bad we might look to everyone else. I figure getting over those issues is half the battle. Riding is such a mental exercise as well as a physical one, and once I believe I can do it, it makes a difference.

I suspect, however, that my little fantasies about the dinky schooling show need to be put on hold. Marve has such huge gaits and really tears around the arena sometimes. Yeah, I can slow him down and get him into a nice steady gait, but really his stride is just huge, and I can't picture him calmly going around in circles in that arena with 10-15 other horses at once. Sniff, sniff. What's that I smell in the air? Disaster!

As always, we will keep working on it. And "it" = everything.

Secret Riding

My ride on Marve this weekend didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped. No major problems, but we just didn't feel entirely in sync. Maybe it was because there were several other riders in the arena and I was working hard to avoid them and couldn't always do exactly what I wanted, like get on a 20m circle and spiral in/out to get Marve to to relax and start to flex. Also, I still feel self-conscious having other people watch me ride. I don't know why; I consider myself pretty confident in other areas in my life, but when I get to this stable I feel like I don't measure up.

We're still having some trouble on the canter. I only cantered a few times, mostly because I felt kind of bashful about looking bad in front of those girls. I kept wishing I could practice in private, but I need to get over that, and fast. As much as I want to ride in total isolation with no on watching me and judging me (minus my lessons, of course), it can't happen.

Plus, and I know this is stupid, but I keep wondering how I'm measuring up to the other people who ride Marve. I am half-leasing him, but he still gets used on my off days in lessons. I worry I'm the "worst" rider he has. This seems especially wrong since I get to ride him 3 days a week, so in theory, I should be the rider who works best with him. Yeah, maybe that's kind of a goofy line of thinking, but there it is.

Despite all my paranoia and realizations that Marve and I are far from perfect, I can't help but start fantasizing about the little schooling show coming up in a few months. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I like thinking about the show because it gives me some solid goals to work on. I'm already wondering whether I should enter the intermediate or advanced division. I entered intermediate last time, but I was thinking I should probably do advanced this time around. It makes sense since I am leasing and have more time to practice; plus the advanced division is full of the oldest riders, so I wouldn't be bopping around the ring with a bunch of 11-year-olds again.

(And yes, there are times when I think it's so ridiculous for me to want to be in the show at all since I'm an adult, but the show is for all ages and does attract some adult riders. Also, after I rode in the last show, I had a woman come up to me and tell me she was glad she saw me riding because she's considering taking lessons, and seeing another adult riding in the show inspired her. So there's that.)

The downside about the advanced division is that it tends to be full of teenage girls all decked out in impeccable show clothes, and somehow these girls are all riding a clone of the same bay Thoroughbred. And in general, they're pretty darn good. Marve and I still have a lot to work on and I'm not sure whether we'd be as steady and consistent as all those other advanced horses/riders...so maybe we still belong in intermediate? I guess I'll see what my instructor thinks. You know, when it actually gets closer to show time and I get confirmation that I can even ride Marve in it. :)

Anyway, now that I have a few days before I can ride again, I keep thinking of all the things I could try at the canter, ways to improve my position and get Marve to relax, etc. Right now I can't wait to get back on and start some canter work...but then once I'm in the saddle under those watchful eyes, I chicken out. I should probably just pretend no one is watching me at all, and that Marve and I are just working on things alone.

Geez, I feel like I'm a self-conscious middle schooler all over again. Maybe this is what happens when you spend your time at a barn full of teenage equestrians! Or maybe it's just me. In any case, wish me luck. And a better canter position while you're at it.

Sweet, Sweet Deception

This is not horse related, but it's so ridiculous I just had to post it.

Allow me to set the scene for you. A few days ago, I was busy working surfing websites when I noticed an ad featuring a nice big ear of corn on the side of the page. Now, I am very anti-advertising, and I don't think I have ever clicked on an online ad in my life. But for some reason this one caught my eye. It said, "High fructose corn syrup has no artificial ingredients."

Hmm, I thought at first. There's a clever way to show that "no artificial ingredients" or "all-natural" are essentially meaningless.

But then I noticed the ad said something along the lines of "Get the facts at SweetSurprise.com."

No way, I thought. This can't be what I think it is.

I clicked on the ad to go to the website and ohhhhhhh yes it is. SweetSurprise.com is part of a marketing campaign arguing that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) is just dandy. After all, it is nutritionally the same as table sugar, has no artificial ingredients, and has the same number of calories as table sugar. So, duh. GET THE FACTS, people, and wise up that HFCS isn't, you know, an industrially processed disaster being pumped into practically every type of processed food there is.

Here are some gems from the website. In the Q&A, the answer to "Are sugars bad for your health?" starts off by saying that sweeteners have been tested and approved by the FDA. It also contains nice language like, "Excessive consumption of sugar could lead to adverse health effects just as excessive or unbalanced consumption of many otherwise safe food ingredients could potentially be problematic for some individuals."

But what about the benefits of "nutritive sweeteners," you ask? Oh, they've got a whole list of the benefits! They include, but are not limited to: creating improved mouthfeel, helping baked goods brown, and contributing to the volume in ice cream. Also, honey is not healthier than high fructose corn syrup.

I am not totally above HFCS, by the way. I still cave and buy bad-for-you snacks, including those with HFCS, even though HFCS and partially hydrogenated oils are the two biggies I work hard to avoid. (Oh, and aren't most of the cheapo beers now made with HFCS? So it's probably in that High Life in my fridge, ha.) And overall, I am a TOTAL and complete sugar nut. So when I have a sugar binge and cram my face full of organic Newman-O cookies, I know what I'm doing is still really bad for me, even if I'm eating organic evaporated cane juice instead of HFCS.

But still. HFCS is evil, in my opinion. And this market campaign is like super-duper evil. I think the folks who rely on the cheap sugary goodness of HFCS for their paychecks are getting freaked out by all the trans-fat bans and realize that their number is next. As it should. There is no reason for HFCS to be in our food, except to save money for the people making the food.

So there, you learned something about me. I'm a HFCS nazi. I also cram my face full of Newman-Os and could never, ever be a PR person for HFCS. Even if they tried to buy me off with sweet, sweet snacks.