Secret Riding

My ride on Marve this weekend didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped. No major problems, but we just didn't feel entirely in sync. Maybe it was because there were several other riders in the arena and I was working hard to avoid them and couldn't always do exactly what I wanted, like get on a 20m circle and spiral in/out to get Marve to to relax and start to flex. Also, I still feel self-conscious having other people watch me ride. I don't know why; I consider myself pretty confident in other areas in my life, but when I get to this stable I feel like I don't measure up.

We're still having some trouble on the canter. I only cantered a few times, mostly because I felt kind of bashful about looking bad in front of those girls. I kept wishing I could practice in private, but I need to get over that, and fast. As much as I want to ride in total isolation with no on watching me and judging me (minus my lessons, of course), it can't happen.

Plus, and I know this is stupid, but I keep wondering how I'm measuring up to the other people who ride Marve. I am half-leasing him, but he still gets used on my off days in lessons. I worry I'm the "worst" rider he has. This seems especially wrong since I get to ride him 3 days a week, so in theory, I should be the rider who works best with him. Yeah, maybe that's kind of a goofy line of thinking, but there it is.

Despite all my paranoia and realizations that Marve and I are far from perfect, I can't help but start fantasizing about the little schooling show coming up in a few months. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I like thinking about the show because it gives me some solid goals to work on. I'm already wondering whether I should enter the intermediate or advanced division. I entered intermediate last time, but I was thinking I should probably do advanced this time around. It makes sense since I am leasing and have more time to practice; plus the advanced division is full of the oldest riders, so I wouldn't be bopping around the ring with a bunch of 11-year-olds again.

(And yes, there are times when I think it's so ridiculous for me to want to be in the show at all since I'm an adult, but the show is for all ages and does attract some adult riders. Also, after I rode in the last show, I had a woman come up to me and tell me she was glad she saw me riding because she's considering taking lessons, and seeing another adult riding in the show inspired her. So there's that.)

The downside about the advanced division is that it tends to be full of teenage girls all decked out in impeccable show clothes, and somehow these girls are all riding a clone of the same bay Thoroughbred. And in general, they're pretty darn good. Marve and I still have a lot to work on and I'm not sure whether we'd be as steady and consistent as all those other advanced horses/riders...so maybe we still belong in intermediate? I guess I'll see what my instructor thinks. You know, when it actually gets closer to show time and I get confirmation that I can even ride Marve in it. :)

Anyway, now that I have a few days before I can ride again, I keep thinking of all the things I could try at the canter, ways to improve my position and get Marve to relax, etc. Right now I can't wait to get back on and start some canter work...but then once I'm in the saddle under those watchful eyes, I chicken out. I should probably just pretend no one is watching me at all, and that Marve and I are just working on things alone.

Geez, I feel like I'm a self-conscious middle schooler all over again. Maybe this is what happens when you spend your time at a barn full of teenage equestrians! Or maybe it's just me. In any case, wish me luck. And a better canter position while you're at it.