Frozen in Fail

I had such a bad ride this week. Really, it was horrendous. The worst I've ridden Marve ever.

And it was all because I was afraid. For almost no reason.

Prior to this ride, I mistakenly thought I had a handle on my fear of him bolting with me. I had the mindset that there was no point in being nervous and afraid; if I was going to ride him, I might as well feel confident, because there was nothing I could do about him bolting until the actual moment it happened, and who knew if it would?

Then, a few days ago, I went to ride and it was freezing outside. Major temperature drop. Not only that, but it was super windy and there were all sorts of creaking noises making their way through the arena. It was also pretty crowded in there, with at least 6 other riders.

It got off to a bad start right away. Almost immediately after I was mounted, another horse spooked a little bit. Marve tensed up and it felt like he was going to try to take off, but then he didn't and nothing happened. Repeat: nothing happened. But I might as well have gotten off then, because my fear from the way he tensed wrecked our entire ride.

I don't know how to explain it. I felt I was gambling my healthy body and fully intact bones by riding him. Instead of feeling like a safe haven, the indoor arena felt like a little wooden box trapping me inside...the walls were there not to shield us from the weather, but to be obstacles I could fly into when Marve threw me. I felt insecure, scared, unwilling. But still, we rode.

Not that it was any fun. I kept looking at the clock, just trying to calculate how long I had to ride him to make sure he got enough exercise. I dreaded cantering him because I was afraid he'd run off. I was afraid to be near the other horses in the ring, for fear they'd spook or set him off, and I was also afraid to avoid them too much, which could make him nervous or eager to chase after them.

The result was some poor riding and a nervous horse. He didn't bolt or have any major spooks, but he was jumpy. Then he started giving these little bucks when I asked him to canter, something he never does. It was just a mess. I didn't have him on the aids at all, and even though my brain was telling me what to do to get things under control, my body was completely unwilling to do it. And, embarrassingly, the barn manager happened to drop by and watched us for a while. I was so ashamed she witnessed that.

So anyway. The ride finally ended, and I was relived to get off. But I'm not going to let this happen again. I need to psych myself up for my next ride and be determined not to let my stupid fear take over again.

I haven't forgotten that this is supposed to be fun. If I keep feeling like this regularly, I will stop the lease. But I'm hoping this was a one-time thing.

My SO is quite aware that I'm still nervous about Marve. (Hmm...I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that every time I leave for the stable, I say in a singsong voice, "Keep your fingers crossed that Marve doesn't kill me today!") So after I returned from this bad ride, he encouraged me to stop the lease. He said, "Whatever you felt you needed to prove to yourself after you fell off him and got scared, you did. You didn't quit right away. But if you're still scared now, maybe you should just stop."

But somehow, I don't feel the time is right to stop yet. Maybe in another month, maybe in three. Who knows. But despite the occasional fear and bolt and bad ride, I seem reluctant to cut off the lease. So I'm in it. Let's just hope my confidence comes back.