I fell off Marve this week. He freaked out and bolted several times during our ride, and on the last one I fell.
I'm fine, not hurt at all. And I got back on and rode him around for a little while before calling it a day. But to say I'm shaken up is an understatement. I don't even feel like recounting the whole thing because I don't want to relive it.
I'm scared. I admit it. I mentioned before that he has bolted a few other times this fall. Every time, though, was outside, and this time it happened in the indoor. I thought I was safe in there.
The people who were there when it happened said it was the cooler weather, the fact that he's a TB, that another horse in the ring was nervous and slightly acting up, etc. All true, but I can't help but wonder if part of it is me. He doesn't seem to do this with other riders. Can he tell that I'm a little insecure, that I'm afraid of him bolting, that I am not experienced or brave or good enough to bring him under control immediately? Does he know that if he keeps doing this, I'll give up riding him for good? Because I might.
The bottom line is, I don't think this was a once-and-done deal. I think he'll do this again. Who knows when...it could be the next time I ride him, or in a few weeks, or in a few months. But it will probably happen again.
A girl at the barn told me that it shouldn't prevent me from riding him. That the TB she rides does this from time to time and if anything, it has taught her how to "ride out" a bolt and bring him under control. She gave me some pointers that I will try out the next time it happens, but ugh! The next time?
I know horses are unpredictable, that they can be dangerous, that any horse can spook and freak out or bolt. But it's a little different when that behavior is expected, the norm, instead of a freak occurrence.
Part of me is dreading the next time I have to ride him. But, being the way I am, I can't just quit the lease right now. I am not a quitter, and I want to see if I can handle this. On the other hand, I don't want to die.
My SO thinks I should just stop leasing him now and save myself the grief. I can still take weekly lessons, of course. But I don't feel right quitting just because Marve scared me. He was freaking out when another horse was spooking a bit; so there was a reason. But does that mean he will act like this any time another horse in the ring gets slightly upset? God, I don't know how we both survived in the show a few weeks ago!
If he keeps freaking out and bolting, I'm afraid I may have to stop the lease. I'm not 15 years old anymore. I am not fearless. I just want to ride without worrying that the horse will take off with me. Because that is seriously one of the scariest things for me. (Though, of course, who is in love with that feeling??)
If I end up stopping the lease after this, I will feel like a loser. Again, no one else seems to have this problem with him. Everyone goes on and on about how much they love Marve, in fact. And true, he is an awesome horse. Great at dressage and jumping and frankly I'm lucky to be leasing a horse like him at this stable. I don't want to be known as the one who couldn't handle Marve, got scared, and quit.
And stopping the lease would give me more time to write and do yoga, two things I am desperately trying to squeeze back into my life. Of course, I wasn't thinking about quitting the lease until Marve started to scare me. And what if I go back to only weekly lessons and miss the extra riding time? I thought -- and still do -- that riding Marve would make me a better rider. But I won't be a better rider if I'm always afraid my horse is going to take off with me at a wild, uncontrolled gallop.
How much of this is an internal competition for me? When I first started taking lessons at this barn, after being away from riding for years, I was pretty bad. Super rusty, couldn't remember how to do things, and was basically a mess. It was hard at first, and I was counting down the remaining sessions because I just wanted it to end and have the humiliation be over. But then I slowly started to get better. I signed up for another session, then another, and started looking for horses to lease. I leased Mae, and now Marve. I thought that horses were finally back in my life for good.
Now, my SO points out that I can take a break for a while and revisit my riding when I am ready. There is no rule that says I have to keep riding. And I can wait until I'm ready to buy my own horse -- preferably one I can trust to not freak out and run away with me.
He's right, I know. But it comes down to what I want, which I'm not too clear on. Do I want to quit the lease and give up? Do I want only weekly lessons? Do I wait for a better lease situation to come up? Do I want to keep giving it a go, maybe become like that other girl who became skilled in riding bolting, freaking TBs? I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that I'm putting in my check for the lease this month and will see what happens....while hoping I don't get seriously hurt in the process.
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4 comments:
You are so honest and eloquent! I can't resist commenting on all your posts. (This is Dressage Pricess, by the way, just reborn.)
I know that this is something you need to work out on your own, and that there's a reason why advice is free, but I think this is something you need to keep in mind: It's supposed to be fun. Riding shouldn't be a torture test that you need to endure.
Why not stop leasing Marve, but keep riding him in lessons? That's not quitting. It would give you more time for the other things you love, and you'd keep progressing without risking life and limb (at least not to the same degree!). Heck, maybe instead of leasing you could take two lessons a week. I know I always feel a little more confident when I've got an expert on the ground.
Anyway, best of luck with your decision. Whatever you choose, I promise I won't think you're a quitter.
Hi DP! Yep, I knew it was you and I very much appreciate your comments. I have already paid for November for the lease, but I think I will be completely fine walking away (from the lease, that is) at the end of the month if I am still freaked out. Because yes, riding hasn't been fun lately because now I'm so worried he's going to take off with me. Sigh. But I'll post an update soon. Thanks again for all your comments. :)
it's tough to find a good match . . . you are absolutely right though, and so is The Uje. Riding is supposed to be FUN, not the Thing That You Dread. I would be all about finding a better lease situation . . .
sorry i don't have more to offer. I'm recovering from knee surgery and just happy to see that most of my words got spelled somewhat correctly. :-)
(dangerouspenguin, not dressage princess)
For what it's worth TBs tend to be far more sensitive to their riders than most other breeds. They have sensitive skin, sensitive hearing and sensitive dispositions. All the things that make them great horses also make them tricky for those who aren't used to them. They pick up on a rider's fear like no other breed I know, and they turn into diva drama queens given half a chance. Under a confident rider they can be the calmest, boldest horses around.
Riding is supposed to be fun, as the others say. Quit riding Marve if he scares you and find a horse who doesn't scare you. Go back to riding Marve every once in a while when you have your confidence back. There should be no shame in this -- it is best for you and the horse.
And if you persist with Marve start learning some exercises to help you calm down before you get on and while you are riding. If you are afraid the horse beneath you has NO CONCEPT of the fact that you are afraid of him -- only that you are afraid of something so he better be afraid too. This ramps up more quickly with TBs than with other breeds, in my experience.
And learn how to do a one-rein stop. Practice it a lot with him. Good luck!
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