Rough Patch

I'm going through a rough patch with my riding. At first I thought it was because the show is over and I don't have anything specific to work toward. Yeah, working on certain aspects of my riding so as not to embarrass myself in the show ring gave me direction, but my riding has never been driven by showing. (Hello, in like 12 or whatever years total of riding I've done in my life, I've been in a grand total 4 shows.)

My current not-so-hot riding might be a reflection of feeling stressed and worn down in my other life. I haven't been doing the things that previously mattered so much to me -- writing (fiction) and yoga. I admit it, riding more and getting more involved in general horse care is taking time away from other activities, ones that make me feel whole. I need to find a balance. Or quit my job and convince my SO to support me. Just kidding. Kinda. (It's amazing how fast my young feminist self who declared she would NEVER rely on a man or have him support her changes when the day job starts wearing her down...ha.)

Anyway, there are other factors, too. Sometimes I compare my childhood/teen years with horses to what I have now, and obviously it's very different. Back then, my mother and I would travel through beautiful rolling-hill landscapes to get to the stable, where our horses would be frolicking outside in a big pasture...then we'd tool around, maybe go for a trail ride, just ride around and explore and have fun.

I don't have the opportunity to do any of that stuff now. I ride in the ring and the ring only, working mostly on dressage and sometimes a little on jumping. There are no opportunities to go out for a hack. There are trails, but Marve has been declared non-trail safe, and frankly he isn't the horse I'd want to ride alone out on the trails with anyway. (More on that soon.) The stable doesn't even have pastures, and sometimes it feels like a factory, what with the dozens of young girls coming in and out to ride, almost everyone focused on dressage and getting ready for shows. It's just not the bucolic horsey life I envision for myself.

Plus, there's some fear. Maybe it's the cold weather, but Marve has been downright scaring me sometimes when I ride him outside. He's bolted, he's bucked, he's spooked hard enough to freak me out. I haven't fallen (dare I say yet) but it's gotten to the point where I only ride him inside now. He's fine inside, but sometimes I start thinking, "What if he freaked out right now, just like he did on Sunday when we were outside, but this time he slams me into the arena wall?" These thoughts are not good, I know, but I can't help having some fear creeping in. It just takes one bad bolt or buck to remind you that these animals are powerful and can freaking kill you with one misstep.

Don't worry, I'm not going to stop riding or anything like that. And really, I am happy with this lease -- happier than I was with the one with Mae (though I do miss her, sweet girl). I figure this experience is just another step in the direction of my figuring out exactly what I am looking for, horse-wise, so when the day comes that I feel settled and ready and financially secure enough to buy my own horse, I'll know exactly what to do.

Happy riding, everyone.