Isn't this supposed to be fun?

I know I kind of abandoned this blog for a while, and I'm sorry about that. I think a big part of why I wasn't writing is that I just haven't been having much fun riding lately.

I'm no longer terrified like I was during that last ride I wrote about. And Marve hasn't freaked out at all, which is good. I still feel a little uneasy before I ride, like I know it's going to happen again eventually, but for the most part I've been okay.

After yet another so-so ride today, I think there are two problems here (not including the fear issue).

First, it's the matter of time and time management. When I leased Mae, it was very free and I could just go to the stable whenever I wanted. With this lease, I have to be there on certain days of the week. If I miss a day, I can't really make it up and it's inconvenient for the stable to make sure Marve gets exercised. It's only three days a week, but I also get caught up doing things like mucking out his stall or cleaning tack and so on, and lately I've been feeling almost resentful of the time it takes out of my life. Riding definitely takes time away from my writing and other things that are important to me.

And part of the reason I might be having problems with the time issue is that riding hasn't been as fun lately. Recently, our rides have sucked. Meaning that I have sucked. I feel like I'm going backwards and getting worse instead of improving with Marve. The last few times I rode him, for example, he was trotting around with his head in the air and his ears pinned back. WTF? It didn't seem like anything was hurting him, and I tried everything I have been learning to get him on the aids, etc. But it was just bad. Today I got so frustrated I just looked down at my hands and thought, "I don't know what to do!" Like I've tried every combination of inside/outside rein pressure and leg aids and so on and am not getting results. It's frustrating. And it makes me feel like I'm not a good enough rider for him.

I am considering ending the lease in mid-December since hey, this is supposed to be fun, right? But then today I spoke to a boarder who pointed out it often takes months -- longer than I have been riding Marve -- to "figure out" a horse and really make it as a horse-rider pair.

Okay. Except I was doing so much better with him two months ago, and now we are crap. I don't think it's all because of my fear issue, because lately I've felt pretty comfortable while riding him. I don't know if it's all me or partially him, or just how we're working together, but something is not right.

I will go over my concerns with my instructor this week and see what she says. To be honest, I think the lease is going to end pretty soon. It's just a matter of deciding exactly when to end it, since I think the stable was expecting me to lease him for a while longer. But I'll make the decision that is best for me.

And I also promise to try to do better with this blog and keep you all updated!