Small Check, Big Post

It’s already May 13 and I’m finally getting around to sharing this news:

The lease check I wrote to the barn this month was a lot smaller than usual. As in, only half the amount. May 15 will be my last day leasing Marve.

I made this decision for a variety of reasons. I wish I could say his bolting had absolutely nothing to do with it, but it did make an impact. He has been better lately, definitely, but I’m still scared sometimes, and I find myself downright dreading certain things (like cantering large, following other horses, etc.).

But even more so than that, my decision came down to time. I am run ragged and feel like something has to give. Riding even just 3 days a week was proving to be too much. While I’m sad to be ending the lease, I’m very excited by all the time I will have to spend on other things. Writing. Catching up with friends. Joining another writers’ group. My SO has wanted to take an oil painting class at the community arts center with me for ages, and now I have time to do it. Plus, in the coming months I have a whopping four business trips (one of which is international) and three out-of-town weddings, so I don’t see how I’ll have time to ride as much as I have been anyway.

But all of this comes with guilt, too. The barn manager was disappointed I was ending the lease, but she told me they expect to keep Marve on at the barn. I will continue riding him in weekly lessons, so it’s not like I’ll never see him again. But I know I will miss the feeling of having my “own” horse to care for and ride. I even feel guilty that I have interests outside of riding that I also want to explore. There are only so many hours in the day, and I guess now is a time to take a break.

I still feel a bit torn. Since last spring when I started riding Mae, I’ve been leasing and therefore had a horse to (kind of) call my own. Now I feel like I’m moving backward by going back to only taking lessons. Plus, I have the urge more than ever to get my own horse, but that still isn’t going to happen. Despite the time issue, which is a big one, I also recently got some bad news at work: our company is cutting salaries 12% across the board. Yikes. So now, with a reduced salary and with my job’s future in question, I’m not exactly in the place to go horse shopping. I just keep telling myself: some day. Some day, it will happen.

In the meantime, I think I’ll take a break from blogging. I have been pretty erratic lately about posting, and I’m sorry for that, but thanks to the few loyal readers who actually keep coming by. I will continue reading your blogs to get my dose of horsey goodness. I will have to settle for living vicariously through you for a while.

As for me, I hope to be back. Maybe it will be when I take up another lease, or when I decide I’d like to blog in detail about my lessons and progress, or maybe even the day I finally feel ready to buy a horse. For now, I’ll miss you guys. Thanks for your advice, support, and friendship. Happy riding!

Devastated

Things have been tough lately. Last week, I lost a friend. She had a lengthy illness and it wasn't exactly unexpected, but of course that doesn't help how much it hurts.

As anyone who ever lost a loved one knows, the loss -- whether it's a family member, a friend, a horse or a pet -- tends to trigger other losses, too. So as I grieve for my friend, I also grieve for my mother, my dog from 5 years ago, and the amazing Arab mare I had during my childhood and teens.

On the day my friend died, I had a riding lesson scheduled. Maybe it sounds weird, but I went to it. I had been wallowing all day and wanted to try to focus on something else.

As I was getting ready to go to the barn, I told my SO that I wished I would be riding a horse other than Marve, maybe a more "soulful" horse. Like my old Arab mare. Some horses just have that old soul thing going on, and if I had gone grieving to the stable to meet my mare, I just know she'd look at me as if she understood. Not that there is anything wrong with Marve, but he's got a different personality. And of course, this made me miss the mare again, and then my mother. But still I pulled myself together and went to the stable.

When I got there, I petted Marve and smelled his face. I don't have to tell you guys about that horsey smell and how comforting and familiar it is. It was good to see him. But I still felt fragile, and was worried I wouldn't be strong enough, mentally or physically, to handle one of his bolting sessions. So I spoke to my instructor and told her exactly what I felt I needed and what would make me comfortable in the lesson. She listened without question and supported me in all that I asked for. After the lesson, we had a bit of a chat. I know she has been through some rough times these last few weeks, too, but it was great to get her support. I have to say that I really admire and respect my instructor as a person. She has a good heart. And I'm glad I knew when to speak up about my needs in the lesson.

The schooling show at the barn was this weekend. I stayed at home, as planned. Since I told the barn manager in advance I wasn't going to ride Marve, someone else could have, but I found out that he was not ridden in the show. Apparently he has been bolting with other people occasionally, too, and especially when he's right behind another horse. I guess they decided not to risk it, and I'm glad for that. Part of me wanted to be at the show this weekend, but I know it was the right decision, and the safe one, to skip it. And now I feel that more strongly than ever, since I have so much healing to do.

I have been making a conscious effort to focus on all the wonderful things I do have in my life. First and foremost, a loving partner in my SO. My health. Financial stability. Happiness. I have it good and I know it. I just need to concentrate on that when things do go wrong.

Horse Hair Extensions!

Hey, have you seen this? It totally made me think of Brego's tail extensions!

Whoa! Horses get hair extensions

“The horses loved it, are you kidding?” Wolkenstein told Vieira. “They had a great time. They loved the grooming and being fawned over — the flashlights probably not as much. They had to stand in a very specific spot so that the lighting would be right, so it was a long process getting that right.”

There's a video, too. My favorite part of that is when the intro newslady says Meredith will ask about "whatever gave him the idea to photograph these horses?" Love the emphasis on the word "photograph" but I don't really think that's the question. You see a horse with crazy-creepy human hair extensions, you're gonna photograph it. The question is why would you give the horse extensions in the first place?

Ah, well. The horses got some attention and apparently had a great time. (Except for the flashlights.)

Bolting at Horse Shows

I just read this post on the Fugly blog and was horrified by the youtube video of a driving class gone wrong. This was really one of the most upsetting things I've seen in a while and I hope all people and horses are okay, though it's impossible to tell from the video. Besides the obvious -- the guys running around trying to stop the horses and inadvertently herding them into other horses, carts, and people -- I couldn't understand why one woman was still sitting in her cart. If it was me, I'd have jumped out once my horse was stopped and being held by someone else. Of course, within seconds after I thought that, a runaway horse knocked in the cart and tipped the woman and her horse over. What a pathetic mess!

Anyway, this video and Fugly's post made me think of Marve. The barn manager assumed I was riding him in the next show, which is coming up soon, and I shocked both her and maybe even myself by saying no. I want to sit this one out. She seemed almost disappointed in me, but the bottom line is I'm afraid something might happen. Marve came kind of close to bolting/freaking out at the last show we were in. Granted, there were no disasters, and everything was okay, but since then his bolting tendencies have gotten a bit worse, and especially in two particular ways: when we canter large, or when we end up riding fairly close behind other horses. And in this horse show, which would consist mostly of flat classes, where we're only going large and following closely to other horses, I didn't want to deal with the stress. And if I'm worried that he will get nervous and bolt, then he'd probably feel the tension and, well, bolt.

Maybe I'm being over cautious. It's definitely disappointing for me because I feel that Marve is easily capable of being in one of these shows, and being okay. If he had a stronger or better or more relaxed rider, maybe this wouldn't even be an issue. But the fact is that he bolts roughly every third or fourth time I ride him. Sometimes they are little bolts, but sometimes they are big and freaking terrifying and I cannot imagine how bad it would be if he did that in the show.

I am not too upset about skipping the show, at least not as much as I thought I'd be. What bothers me is I feel I'm moving backwards. After our last show, I assumed if I kept up the lease, we'd be in a much better place for this show and I'd feel more confident and prepared. So it's like I'm chickening out or something.

But after watching that driving class video, I'm reminded that safety always comes first. I do believe there is the potential for Marve to set off a similar situation in the show ring with things as they are, and I don't want that to happen.

I want a pony.

Some things never change. I will always want a pony. And judging by some horsey message boards I was on, it looks like this is a desire shared by other adult women, too.

True story: When I was about 5, I asked for a pony in my Christmas letter to Santa. Mind you that my mother had recently purchased her Arab mare so we already had an equine in our family. But this was not a horse I could ride or that was child-sized. And most importantly, she wasn't a pony. (Still, was I a brat or what?)

Good lord ponies are cute.

The smaller, the fuzzier, the better. I was looking at some of the ponies at the barn this weekend and was just overcome with pony ownership desire. The fact that I'm a tall adult might diminish my joy a bit since I couldn't ride said pony, but I still want a pony.

I know I will totally own a pony someday. Somehow, and perhaps not for logical reasons, that goal seems more attainable than owning a full-sized horse. I mean, I know ponies are a little cheaper to feed but other than that you're talking similar expenses. But still. Pony pony pony.

My dream is to have a nice big drafty or draft-cross as my riding horse. And then also a pony. Maybe I will rescue an older pony who can't be ridden anymore and who exists only to eat grass in my field. Oh, yeah, I have my own field in this dream, too. A small barn, a couple of pastures, an old farm house. And a pony. Works for me!

Yes, I've been thinking again about how I'd like my own horse. But now is definitely not the time, what with the economy and my job looking not entirely certain these days. I just have to remind myself that it can happen, and it will....some day.

As long as that "some day" also includes a pony at some point, I'm golden. :)

The Horse-Human Bond

A few months ago I ended up on some horse-related message board that appeared to be a big draw for young girls. The hottest topic for 11-13 year old equestrians? Bonding with your horse. Some girls were very anxious about how they could bond with a horse they ride once a week in lessons, especially considering that other kids rode this same schoolie as well. So how could they create the biggest, strongest bond with this horse? And what was the quickest way to do it? And how could they prove their bond was stronger than anyone else's?

I'll hazard to say that the bonding they were talking about is the romanticized, unrealistic type you see in movies, usually where a kid who knows nothing about horses magically tames some wild, unbroken stallion within 4 days simply by staring deeply into his eyes and stroking his muzzle to earn his trust. Obviously that is ridiculous, but I find it interesting that these kids are so into the concept of creating the mystical bond with a horse. Even more than that, they view it as sort of a competition or as bragging rights.

I guess I was thinking about all this and thinking of Marve. Obviously, relationships develop between humans and horses. Every now and then I'll think back to the Arabian mare I had as a child and get teary-eyed because I miss her so much. She was soulful and kind and gentle and intelligent. I loved her and I know she loved me.

But when I think over all the horses horses I've ridden or cared for, I don't think of the B-word. And that includes, to some extent, Mae and Marve.

It could be a simple time issue. I only had about 4 months with Mae, and I definitely felt more strongly connected to her by the end of the lease. And I'd wager that Marve and I definitely have more of a relationship now, about 7 months in. But I also don't feel particularly connected to Marve, and I guess that makes me feel guilty, and as if I should be working harder on it. (Hm, do they do couples counseling for people and their horses? Also, could this post get any weirder?)

Could part of it be that I'm still occasionally afraid of him? Or the fact that he doesn't have the best ground manners and isn't always the most pleasant horse to be around? Don't get me wrong, he definitely has a funny personality, and he likes to play and be goofy. But while sometimes I do feel like he is "my" horse, I don't always feel super attached to him.

Maybe that's because in some ways, I'm not entirely different from those girls on the message board: Maybe I am idealizing my former horse-human relationship with my Arab mare in the past, and I can't imagine having that bond again with another horse.

Or maybe it's because Marve is a 17-hand spooky TB who once bit me on the stomach for no apparent reason. Could that be it? :)

Slate Article on Horse Slaughter

The recent Explainer column on Slate describes how horse slaughter works. It's a brief, matter-of-fact piece and isn't too gory, though it disturbed me to read it. There is a video link I totally did not click on.

The main difference between horse slaughterhouses and cattle plants is that horses are more difficult to herd, often getting into fights en route to the holding pen. That's partly because they're raised for racing or riding, not consumption, and thus aren't accustomed to cramped quarters. (Federal transportation regulations for horses don't have a space requirement, so buyers tend to pack them in tight.) Horses also tend to be more excitable than cows—hence the blinders—and the smell of blood makes them nervous.

I kind of take issue with this part because I don't think cattle slaughter is much better than what they do for horses. Well, okay, situations might be worse for horses than cows for the various reasons outlined in the article, but I don't think that excuses the way other livestock are treated on huge factory farm conglomerations. Anytime you put profits over anything else, these animals are going to suffer.

There is a brief mention that horses in the United States are sent to Canada or Mexico for slaughter, but I think this (and its implications) should have been stressed more, because the average person reading this might think it sounds just peachy we don't really have horse slaughter in America.

Lately, I've seen the issue of horse slaughter or abuse crop up more often in non-horsey places. I recently saw this video on the Onion. At first I thought it was going to be funny but it grows more upsetting, especially when they show a few pictures. When they say they are going to roll the video, look away for a few seconds if you don't want to see the photos! I always avoid viewing this stuff because it's so upsetting. I suppose this makes me part of the masses who prefer to "just not think" about such horrible things, but just as I don't view factory farm footage because I don't feel I contribute to it (I'm vegetarian) I also don't really feel I directly contribute to horse slaughter, so I don't feel like being horrified by the footage of it. Of course, I guess this is the same type of excuse everyone comes up with to not view horrific realities.

In any case, I suppose it's good horse slaughter/abuse seems to be getting more coverage. A little awareness never hurt, right?

Past Lives

I had a very nice, relaxing weekend that included a good ride on Marve (no spooks!), lots of couch-book-coffee time, and a fun night out with some friends. While out, I was getting to know a new acquaintance who learned that I ride. He had all sorts of questions, such as when I started riding, whether I ever owned a horse or if I would like to own one now, and so on.

So I relayed my history -- how I grew up riding, my mom and I had two horses, the type of riding I did (bareback, trail riding, just having fun) and, of course, the Arab mare I owned and loved through my teen years.

As I talked about my past, I started to feel sad. Those happy, horse-loving days seem so far away. Before I became a re-rider and started up again with horses, all I had were these memories. And they are very idyllic. Sure, most of it is just plain old nostalgia, and also wishing for the simpler times of being a kid. How awesome was it to have summers off and go hang out at the stable for hours at a time? So part of it is missing the good times of my childhood, and of course that bonding time with my mom.

But I couldn't help but feel a little sad that now, riding is so different for me. I no longer have a trustworthy horse of my own I love, I can no longer hop on this horse and explore the countryside and just enjoy nature. That is what riding always meant to me. But now, in my roughly 2 years as a re-rider, I think of it as working to improve at dressage, feeling like I'm just not as good of a rider as I could/should be, trying not to be terrified of a spooking TB, and so on.

I miss the old days. And even more, I'm sad that they feel so far away now. My childhood and teen years spent at stables are past lives now. Everything has changed and I have a new perspective and I can't ever go back. That's how life is; I know that. But I can't help feeling a big melancholy about it.

Worn Down

I want more free time. I want the time to go to yoga class after work, to cook and bake, to write.

I want to save more money to prepare for this ever-increasing state of economic doom and gloom.

I want to never again have that slight yet present dread all day, thinking, "I have to go ride tonight and Marve totally flipped out last time and what if it happens again?"

I want to forget about rearranging my schedule and making complicated, down-to-the-minute plans of when I should get to the stable and ride to avoid the worst crowding of the lessons and other riders in the indoor ring.

In short, it seems like I want to stop this lease. For real this time.

But why can't I? Why haven't I just told them? Never mind that I can stop at any time. Never mind that I spoke with a girl last week who said she just might be interested in leasing Marve herself.

I think I'm having a hard time because I feel like Marve is mine. He's not the perfect horse -- certainly not the horse I'd buy when I'm finally ready to be a horse owner -- but for now, he is mine. I take care of him, at least as much as a half-leaser can. And even though I want all this time and money back to myself, I can't quite face going back to not having a horse of my "own" to care for. I've had that since Mae last spring. If I stop leasing Marve, I wonder if within a few weeks I'll be antsy to try to lease another horse...only now there won't be one to lease.

So no final decisions have been made. But I'm thinking about it. Again.

Equinophobia

Or Hippophobia. Whichever you prefer. Bottom line, it equals a fear of horses.

I just found out one of my coworkers is afraid of horses. Has been her whole life. And as far as she knows or remembers, she never even had significant contact with horses. There was no dramatic accident, fall, bite, or kick from her childhood. No weird situation where she walked into her parents' bedroom to see daddy dressed up like a horse or anything freaky like that. She's just terrified of horses.

I invited her to come to the stable to meet Marve (or, okay, one of the smaller, fuzzier, friendlier horses) and she almost jumped out of her skin. No way. This woman does not want to be around horses. They scare her, they freak her out, and she "hates all of them." For no real reason.

I am intrigued now, and am busy thinking how so many of us have irrational fears, or fears not based in anything concrete, while more real threats -- car crashes and so on -- don't concern us at all.

I am thinking about how there are people in the world like my coworker, who never even had a negative experience around a horse and yet is terrified of them.

There are people like her, and there are people like me:

People who get up on a 17-hand TB with the full knowledge that he has the potential to spook and freak out enough to cause significant injury. In fact, he has run off with me more times than I can count and scared me to no end...yet I continue to ride him.

I have come to one solid conclusion today. Out of any and all mental/personality quirks, disorders, or deficiencies I might have, equinophobia is most decidedly not counted among them.

Good work for a sleepy Thursday afternoon, I think.

The post where I inappropriately compare spooking to childbirth

So I realize my latest post was all about no fear, huzzah! but, well, these things come and go.

In the last month or so, Marve has freaked out and spooked more than I'd like to count. I'm guessing at least 5, maybe only 4....but probably five.

Some of them have been only at a medium scary level, but others have been downright terrifying and I can't believe I didn't fall off. Like one that happened a few days ago: People actually came up to me in the barn for the rest of the day and congratulated me on staying on that hot mess of a spook.

For the most part, I'm proud of my attitude. Once the spook is over, I immediately get down to business and get Marve back to work on whatever we were doing pre-spook. But I'm not immune to fear, as I find myself thinking back now and then to that really bad spook from a few days ago.

In general, I feel like riding out his spooks is kinda like childbirth. No, I don't have any kids, so I'm sure this analogy will be both offensive and inappropriate. :) But here's the deal: When the spook is actually happening, it's the worst thing in the world. As he starts to take off I can't believe how bad he's freaking out and how I am possibly going to remain in the saddle. My rapid, terrified inner dialogue goes: "What is wrong with me he has done this before and I knew how bad it was why did I ever get on him again in the first place I can't believe how bad this is NEVER AGAIN!" So, yeah. The spook is like being in labor, in case you're not catching on to my clunky analogy. :)

But then, once it's over and my heart stops pounding, it doesn't seem that bad and I gradually forget about how scary it was. I did stay on, right? And now he's being good. If I can handle that spook, just as I did the last two or three or four, then surely I can handle the next one that comes my way.

I forget the fear so much that it doesn't feel like a big deal to keep riding...but then when the next spook happens, my mind tells me, "You moron! Don't you remember how much this terrified you?"

So I don't know. I'm glad that in general, I'm not letting the fear consume me. But I don't like that little nagging worry about his last big spook. And in the end, I kind of feel like Marve is mine now, so I'm going to ride it out -- spook or no spook.

(But please, horsey gods, make it "no spook" for me, okay?)

Shedding Fear = Better Riding (duh)

I've been leasing Marve for about 5 months now. I can't believe it's been that long. I still feel crappy about my riding quite a lot, and frustrated that I can't seem to get him to go well when I know he is capable of so much more, but there are a few bright spots. Cantering is going way better lately; he's more balanced, round, and on the aids. It's a huge improvement and I'm pleased. (I wish I could get him like that in the trot, too...what is wrong with me?)

I think a big part of it is that I'm not afraid of cantering him anymore. I'm only now realizing that for almost the entire time I've leased him, I've had a low-grade fear of cantering because I equate it with his bolts/spooks. But lately, whether it's just practice or time or the fact that I have ridden out multiple spooks with no major disasters in recent weeks, I haven't been afraid. I love cantering again, when two months ago I might have told you I preferred trotting, just because that didn't scare me!

But we still have a lot to work on. A lot. My riding seems so hot and cold. I feel like I know what it's like to have it together and ride well and give effective aids...but knowing and doing are in a very long-distance relationship right now. It's frustrating.

And while I really respect my instructor and think she's great, sometimes I get the feeling she thinks I'm riding poorly on purpose. I had a private lesson last weekend and a few of her comments were along the lines of, "You need to actually try when you do this..." and "You're just not doing enough when you ride him" and so on. I have plenty of flaws as a rider, but I'm nothing if not a conscientious learner. I totally try. But I listen to my instructor and try to see how her comments specifically apply to my riding and what I can do to get better. I certainly didn't whine back, "But I am trying" or offer any of the reasons I thought of for why it might appear I'm not progressing quickly enough. But I don't like excuses. Never have, never will.

I also have never liked doing anything I might perceive as quitting (which has resulted in some less-than-fabulous decisions in my life, but also contributed to my successes) and I have to say that right now, I'm happy I didn't quit the lease. Things are getting better. I am getting better, I hope. Step by step.

Dream Dream Dream

So last night I dreamt that I owned a huge, beautiful farm out in the country. (Oh, and it was summer, by the way. Glorious, glorious summer.) I had a black and white pinto draft horse, which I later learned was actually a Shire/Arab cross (wtf?) but he looked all Shire. I clearly remember every detail of pulling up a small blue mounting block and trying to get this horse to stop dancing around so I could mount him. I finally did, bareback. He was comfortable and steady and had a long, pretty mane. I rode him around for a while and met some friends who had other horses I can't remember too clearly. We rode around a big green field and then I woke up.

It made me kind of sad. I wish I really did have a big fuzzy draft to call my own, not to mention the gorgeous horse farm and the summertime temperatures.

I've been feeling burned out with my riding. Lately it's been all dressage, dressage, dressage. I like dressage, but recently I've started feeling like, Who the hells cares about being perfectly balanced and bendy and round and stretchy? I just want to, like, gallop across a field and call it a day.

But of course, I can't gallop across a field. I can't even take a trail ride to clear my head, considering 1) lease riders aren't "allowed" to ride on the trail 2) Even if I could convince them, Marve gets super nervous outside of the ring and is NOT a trail-safe horse, so I'll pass on that freakish bolting extravaganza, thank you very much 3) snow and cold and snow and cold.

The only other thing I can think of is to work on something different, like jumping. But Marve is a strong jumper and the last few times we tried I got really nervous. I do not have a stellar jump position, so when you combine that with Marve and my nerves, it's not pretty. Plus, I think we (I) need stronger skills on the flat before we're really ready to seriously work on jumping. Hence all the dressage.

Ah, well. Hopefully this feeling will pass. But I still wouldn't turn down the green field and the big draft horse if the opportunity presented itself. :)

Screaming and Horses Don't Mix. Or Do They?

Am I going to out myself as an old fuddy-duddy when I say that I prefer not to have screeching harpies descend upon the arena while I'm riding?

An instructor was giving a lesson this weekend while I was schooling Marve. (Not my instructor. My instructor is cool and knows to speak in a reasonable voice during lessons.) I was the only other rider in the ring.

The instructor was screaming her instructions in the loudest, most shrill, grating voice ever. She wasn't angry. She wasn't upset. And she was even sitting in the special instructor zone near the center of the ring...you know, the place where students are best able to hear you from anywhere in the ring, even if you are not yelling?

It was just annoying, plain and simple. I'm not really a fan of high-pitched shrieking sounds akin to nails on a chalkboard in the first place, but especially not around horses. I guess that's just me. Marve wasn't thrilled with it, either. It wasn't spook-worthy, but it was distracting and made both of us tense. Just to be clear, I wasn't worried about him spooking. I was worried about my eardrums.

There are a handful of other boarders/riders at the barn who like to yell and scream in the ring -- and it's often this terrible part baby voice, part macho yelling tone. Fortunately, it's not so common that I have to deal with it very often, but it's still a pain. And I'm not sure if there is any way to deal with it. "Excuse me, but I thought someone should tell you that you're socially inept and don't realize you are being freaking annoying with that loud screechy voice. K?"

I guess I'm old fashioned and just think, you know, that horses and screaming your head off for no good reason don't mix. Not that we need to tiptoe around and be feather quiet for our precious ponies, but still. Loud and unexpected noises can and do spook horses. And at the least, it stresses some of us out.

Anyway else have this issue? Am I alone here? Are you yourself a screamer and have an excuse?

Riding Just Isn't Enough of Workout

Now, I'm not one of those people who thinks riding entails nothing but relaxing as if on a couch and letting the horse do all the work. (Do you know how often people say stuff like that to me? "Oh, doesn't the horse do all the work? Why do you get tired?" and so on.) I think I work pretty hard when I ride Marve, and I definitely get exercise. It's a lot better than spending my evening in front of the computer or downing a half dozen cookies. Not that I ever do that, of course. *shifty eyes*

But since I have been riding so much more in the past few months, it has inevitably taken time away from my other forms of exercise -- namely, some fairly intense yoga and long bike rides -- and I am feeling it. In the fatty zones.

It's my fault, of course. There will always be an excuse to avoid exercise, and lately I have been all too creative in devising new ones to avoid the yoga mat or the bike path. Technically, I guess could squeeze in yoga even on the days I work 9-10 hours and ride at night. But then I wouldn't have time for much else, like cooking, cleaning, writing, spending time with my SO, etc. The reality is that I have a lot of interests and things going on, and my yoga/exercise routine takes the hardest hit when I get in a time crunch.

At first, I hoped the extra riding would help keep me fit and strong. But it's not. I just don't get the same workout that I do when building muscles through power yoga or even, it seems, like a hearty and fast 4-mile walk in the park, which I used to enjoy when I had more time. The result is I'm getting softer and weaker, and obviously that affects my riding.

I'm not exactly a lost cause, but I also know that I'm not in good enough shape to truly move forward with my riding. I need to be stronger, more fit, and yes, leaner, to be a better rider. It's just frustrating that all the time I spend at the barn riding and caring for Marve ends up taking some time away from my other exercise.

But I'm a firm believer in "where there's a will, there's a way." Just like I have to sacrifice some things in order to write fiction, I will have to sacrifice other things to hit the yoga mat a bit more often. I'm just starting to wonder what else is left to sacrifice. Do you think the whole virgin-in-volcano thing would work for this purpose? Yeah, right....it's not like I'd even know where to find a virgin, anyway. ;)

In conclusion, I am feeling weakish and flabbish. But at least my rides have been going okay lately. But some more muscles and less weight to haul around just might give me a boost. Wish me luck.

The Ups and Downs of 2008

Happy New Year! I spent the holidays baking (and eating) tons of cookies, cupcakes and other goodies, drinking champagne and beer, spending blissful time off work, frantically cleaning, sleeping in, traveling to see family, and yes – riding.

So I know I’m a little late for this, but I thought I’d do the obligatory year in review for this blog.

One year ago, I wasn’t leasing a horse at all and this blog didn’t exist. I was taking weekly lessons and well on my way to becoming a full-blown re-rider after taking years off. But then spring rolled around and I started half-leasing a Quarter Horse named Mae and this blog was born. Here’s the post that started it all.

Mae and I had some good times together, but also some rough ones, like the time she bucked me off. I also had my fair share of insecurities.

I leased Mae throughout the summer while considering buying my own horse but eventually decided that I’m still not quite ready. I also entered my first schooling show as an adult, where I was heckled by a little kid for being the oldest rider in the ring.

I ended the lease with Mae at the end of the summer when her owner returned, and I switched to leasing Marve, a big gray Thoroughbred. I prepared for another schooling show with Marve, which prompted plenty of anxiety and forced me to actually learn how to braid. The show itself sounds more of a disaster than it really was; in the end, I had fun and learned a lot, so I’m glad it went down the way it did.

But then things started to get rough. I fell off Marve and started to consider quitting, followed by some crappy rides when I was terrified of falling and getting hurt. Fortunately, things have been looking up, and even one good spook helped convince me to keep going.

And in other non-riding matters, I continued the age-old struggle of getting and staying in shape, and also made a continuing effort to seriously work on my fiction, which is also important to me.

Finally, in a decision that shocked and surprised our families and friends, SO and I decided to get married. We’re not hitched yet; it will probably happen sometime in the fall.

All in all, I’d say 2008 was a good year. Sometimes I’m still frustrated with my riding and feel like I can never do anything right, but I know I’ve learned a lot. Leasing two different horses and continuing on with my lessons has been immensely helpful.

I don’t know what 2009 holds, horse-wise. Despite my previous uncertainty about my lease with Marve, I’m planning to keep it up for now. But since I’m not 100% sure where the lease is going or how long I’ll be doing it, it’s hard to set riding goals for 2009. If I continue leasing him, I’d like to have more consistent rides, instead of feeling like we’re riding like garbage one day and then so-so another day and pretty decent on yet another day. I want to improve my jump position and actually canter over jumps (I’m not an experienced jumper at all and have only trotted over small jumps or cantered over a single pole). And if I’m still leasing Marve by the summer (who knows), then I’d like to enter him in the dressage schooling show.

Either way, 2008 has been an interesting ride (hardy-har-har) and I’m looking forward to seeing what 2009 holds. Cheers!