Worn Down

I want more free time. I want the time to go to yoga class after work, to cook and bake, to write.

I want to save more money to prepare for this ever-increasing state of economic doom and gloom.

I want to never again have that slight yet present dread all day, thinking, "I have to go ride tonight and Marve totally flipped out last time and what if it happens again?"

I want to forget about rearranging my schedule and making complicated, down-to-the-minute plans of when I should get to the stable and ride to avoid the worst crowding of the lessons and other riders in the indoor ring.

In short, it seems like I want to stop this lease. For real this time.

But why can't I? Why haven't I just told them? Never mind that I can stop at any time. Never mind that I spoke with a girl last week who said she just might be interested in leasing Marve herself.

I think I'm having a hard time because I feel like Marve is mine. He's not the perfect horse -- certainly not the horse I'd buy when I'm finally ready to be a horse owner -- but for now, he is mine. I take care of him, at least as much as a half-leaser can. And even though I want all this time and money back to myself, I can't quite face going back to not having a horse of my "own" to care for. I've had that since Mae last spring. If I stop leasing Marve, I wonder if within a few weeks I'll be antsy to try to lease another horse...only now there won't be one to lease.

So no final decisions have been made. But I'm thinking about it. Again.