Shedding Fear = Better Riding (duh)

I've been leasing Marve for about 5 months now. I can't believe it's been that long. I still feel crappy about my riding quite a lot, and frustrated that I can't seem to get him to go well when I know he is capable of so much more, but there are a few bright spots. Cantering is going way better lately; he's more balanced, round, and on the aids. It's a huge improvement and I'm pleased. (I wish I could get him like that in the trot, too...what is wrong with me?)

I think a big part of it is that I'm not afraid of cantering him anymore. I'm only now realizing that for almost the entire time I've leased him, I've had a low-grade fear of cantering because I equate it with his bolts/spooks. But lately, whether it's just practice or time or the fact that I have ridden out multiple spooks with no major disasters in recent weeks, I haven't been afraid. I love cantering again, when two months ago I might have told you I preferred trotting, just because that didn't scare me!

But we still have a lot to work on. A lot. My riding seems so hot and cold. I feel like I know what it's like to have it together and ride well and give effective aids...but knowing and doing are in a very long-distance relationship right now. It's frustrating.

And while I really respect my instructor and think she's great, sometimes I get the feeling she thinks I'm riding poorly on purpose. I had a private lesson last weekend and a few of her comments were along the lines of, "You need to actually try when you do this..." and "You're just not doing enough when you ride him" and so on. I have plenty of flaws as a rider, but I'm nothing if not a conscientious learner. I totally try. But I listen to my instructor and try to see how her comments specifically apply to my riding and what I can do to get better. I certainly didn't whine back, "But I am trying" or offer any of the reasons I thought of for why it might appear I'm not progressing quickly enough. But I don't like excuses. Never have, never will.

I also have never liked doing anything I might perceive as quitting (which has resulted in some less-than-fabulous decisions in my life, but also contributed to my successes) and I have to say that right now, I'm happy I didn't quit the lease. Things are getting better. I am getting better, I hope. Step by step.