Past Lives

I had a very nice, relaxing weekend that included a good ride on Marve (no spooks!), lots of couch-book-coffee time, and a fun night out with some friends. While out, I was getting to know a new acquaintance who learned that I ride. He had all sorts of questions, such as when I started riding, whether I ever owned a horse or if I would like to own one now, and so on.

So I relayed my history -- how I grew up riding, my mom and I had two horses, the type of riding I did (bareback, trail riding, just having fun) and, of course, the Arab mare I owned and loved through my teen years.

As I talked about my past, I started to feel sad. Those happy, horse-loving days seem so far away. Before I became a re-rider and started up again with horses, all I had were these memories. And they are very idyllic. Sure, most of it is just plain old nostalgia, and also wishing for the simpler times of being a kid. How awesome was it to have summers off and go hang out at the stable for hours at a time? So part of it is missing the good times of my childhood, and of course that bonding time with my mom.

But I couldn't help but feel a little sad that now, riding is so different for me. I no longer have a trustworthy horse of my own I love, I can no longer hop on this horse and explore the countryside and just enjoy nature. That is what riding always meant to me. But now, in my roughly 2 years as a re-rider, I think of it as working to improve at dressage, feeling like I'm just not as good of a rider as I could/should be, trying not to be terrified of a spooking TB, and so on.

I miss the old days. And even more, I'm sad that they feel so far away now. My childhood and teen years spent at stables are past lives now. Everything has changed and I have a new perspective and I can't ever go back. That's how life is; I know that. But I can't help feeling a big melancholy about it.